New Beginnings

The day that changed everything started out just like any other day. Well…not exactly. It was a crazy busy day. I was off of work, but that only gave me time to work at a local fall festival as the emcee for the day. The fall festival is a pretty big deal in my small town. Everyone shows up.

As I was tearing down my area at the end of the day I was surprised by a friend. Courtney, home from college for the weekend, nearly scared me to death when she gave me an attack-hug from behind. She was a close friend of Evan’s, but to my knowledge didn’t know anything about my relationship with him. It was great to see Courtney and catch up with her. While we were talking, Mitch sauntered around the corner. Of course, I broke into a huge smile. He walked over and greeted Courtney and then wrapped me in his arms. He looked too thin, hopelessly sad, and burdened with an unknown secret. I didn’t ask. He didn’t tell.

The three of us stood there talking for a long time. Mitch was constantly looking around or at his phone. Then I figured out why. A car pulled stopped near us and a guy stepped out and started walking towards us. As this guy got closer Mitch closed-up. He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step back from Courtney and me. Mitch introduced us to Jason…his friend from school. My first thought was that this was NOT the guy from Mitch’s blog…unless he changed his name. Jason was a creep. We walked over to the edge of the stage and sat. Jason was being verbally abusive to Mitch and touching him in ways that no friend should. Courtney and I shot glances at each other every time. While Mitch had never disclosed his sexuality, Jason was almost too flamboyant about it. He was even wearing a rainbow belt.

I was nowhere near being finished talking with Mitch. He told us he had to go, but his eyes told me he didn’t want to leave. I never felt so helpless… I watched Mitch and Jason leave. Mitch was so passive…head down, no eye contact. I wanted to punch this Jason character.

That evening there was a Blue’s Festival on the street in front of the local bars. I wasn’t usually a fan of such events, but I decided to go. Courtney was working at one of the bars and I wanted to keep visiting with her. It was that night that I told her everything about Evan and my relationship with him. This was the first time that I ever told anyone about my attraction to men. She had no idea that Evan and I had been together. In a way I was relieved that it wasn’t too obvious.

The more I talked, the more I felt okay with being gay. (Even though that wasn’t a word that I used to identify myself) Courtney was very supportive. We also talked about Mitch. Neither of us knew enough about him to speculate about this new guy he brought home. I didn’t see Mitch again before he left. I needed to know more about him…

The weekend ended and Courtney returned to school. We continued to talk and spend time together whenever she was home. I loved having someone who I didn’t have to hide from. I was being completely honest for the first time in my life. I felt fantastic!

Mitch II

My life turned into something normal, routine, and boring. Aside from my job, I didn’t really do too much. I had an amazing group of friends that I would socialize with, but I always felt like I was hiding. We would go out on the weekends, and I would always be on guard. Did the hot foreign exchange student notice me staring? Was I overcompensating? Did they know? It was all too much…

My conversations with Evan had been diluted to the occasional text message. But believe me…I was always excited to get one. Christmas break was approaching and he would be coming home. This would be Evan’s first trip home since Labor Day. Of course, I was excited to see him. Well…he came home, but I didn’t see him much. He wasn’t returning messages, nor was he sending me any texts. Finally I was able to talk with him. Evan explained that he was busy, tired, and really wasn’t sure when he would have time to come over. He was blowing me off. I guess I understood…

Meanwhile, I had been spending more time with Mitch. It was nothing like my relationship with Evan. Mitch and I were friends…just friends. He and I both participated in the local art community and had several mutual friends through church and school. I was starting to notice another similarity between us. Through our conversations it became clear that both Mitch and I were seeking male companionship. We both expressed our lifelong desire to have a brother. We both shared feelings about our [missing] fathers.

One afternoon Mitch informed me that he was leaving. In less than a month he was planning on moving and taking part in a church-based education program about 8 hours away. Initially I was crushed. But the more he explained the program the more I understood that Mitch needed to go. Our time together was different than with other friends. It is hard for me to describe my friendship with Mitch. We never planned to spend time together, but always seemed to enjoy running into each other around town. I would go out of my way at his place of work just to see him, and he would linger at a local coffee shop waiting for me to walk by on my way to work. It was nice.

The day before he left he called me and wanted to meet for lunch. It was a pretty normal lunch for the two of us. But he was nervous. I just assumed that he was anxious about leaving. As we were walking out of the restaurant he said he had something to tell me, but he wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. I just looked at him...waiting…but he shook it off and changed the subject. My mind was racing! What was he not saying? Was he about to tell me that he was gay? Was he attracted to me? To another guy? I had not told him anything about Evan. It was killing me not knowing, but I didn’t press him for information at all.

I pulled into his driveway, but he didn’t get out of the truck. Since this was the eve of his journey I asked if I could pray with/for him. I did.

“That means more than you know,” he said as I walked him to the door. With that, Mitch hugged me. He had never done that before. This was an incredible hug. His arms were wrapped completely around me in the tightest lock I had ever been in before. With a tear in his eye Mitch walked through the door.

It was only while Mitch was gone that I learned more about him…

Mitch

My weekly schedule involved some volunteer time at the elementary school. Over the course of a semester I met Mitch. Mitch also volunteered at the elementary school. I knew who he was, but I had never really talked with him. The first time I saw Mitch I asked the guy standing next to me, “Who is he, and what is bothering him?”

Their response was, “That’s just Mitch.”

Unsatisfied, I was determined to get to know this guy. Mitch and Evan were friends, so I though I would use that as my way in. During our volunteer time I decided to introduce myself. Noticing that he was a very gifted artist, I complimented some of his work that was hanging in a local show. Instant friends. We started to plan our time at the elementary school so we would both be there at the same time. Our mentees would play together while Mitch and I would talk.

Every since my relationship with Evan, I had become more comfortable with my attraction to guys. Mitch was extremely attractive to me. He was exceptionally pale, almost too thin, had the most beautiful brown hair that fell in loose curls, amazingly beautiful teeth (shown in a smile that was absolutely melting), and doe eyes that seemed to always be on the verge of tears.

Mitch was mysterious. I had no idea what his orientation was. I wasn’t about to make a move on him, but he was too intriguing to not pursue. It was obvious to me that Mitch was a very passionate Christian. In fact, I even sponsored him to go on a weekend retreat put on by my church. Mitch presented a very difficult problem to me. How could I remain strong in my faith, and follow my heart at the same time. This is just the beginning of my journey…