Role of a Lifetime

September turned to October and Evan was back at school. Our phone calls gradually tapered off to only once or twice a week. Then…they stopped completely. I know, I could have called him…but I didn’t. I felt like I was intruding on Evan’s life. Who was I to think that he needed me as much as I needed him? After all, I’m the one who pushed him away; I’m the one who told him I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

My fall continued. One evening I was on my way back from a rehearsal when I received a call from a friend/colleague. Carol was a musician with the same orchestra I was singing with. I didn’t realize that she had been behind me for most of the drive home. She suggested that we meet at a local bar where some of our friends had already gathered.

After a few drinks everyone was ready to leave...but I wasn’t. Carol seemed interested in another round as well. The bar was empty. It was just me and Carol and the two gals behind the counter. She didn’t waste any time. Carol just straight up asked me if I was involved with Evan. (She also knew him) I couldn’t lie. Carol and I were pretty good friends. If I could tell anyone, I knew it was her. In fact, just the week before I practically begged her to ask me. While she wasn’t exactly shocked, she was stunned that I admitted to it.

The conversation turned towards homosexuality in general. Is it a choice? If so, why make that choice? I just started talking, and she listened. Carol allowed me to share my life story and she didn’t judge me. It was really an amazing moment of self analyzing. I came to the conclusion that I was looking for something and Evan had what I needed. But I didn’t know what that was. (So really, not much was accomplished) I kissed him, and it felt right. I held him, and I was in heaven. I questioned what we were, and felt closer to God. I know that I have always sought male companionship in my life. Mostly I have always wanted a brother…an older brother.

I thought it was just a one time thing…Evan. Surely I wouldn’t fall for another guy. Just as soon as I was starting to put Evan behind me…just as soon as I was ready to not be gay anymore…



(Enter Mitch…fade to black)

Exposed

As the semester continued, my questioning of Christian’s sexuality increased. As I was denying my own sexuality, I was trying to out Christian. While I could not have asked for a better roommate, I had my issues with Christian. He insisted that we constantly do things together because we were roommates. If I went to WalMart he wanted to go with me. He wanted to share a cart. It drove me nuts. The last thing I wanted was for someone at WalMart to think we were dating.

While I was critical of him not coming out, I wasn’t about to come out myself. I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be. Right?

One snowy fall semester evening I walked two houses down to Ravi’s house. He shared a room with two other friends, and fraternity brothers of mine. Ravi did not pledge a Greek organization. The campus tended to clear out on the weekends. Most students lived close enough to go home for the weekend. That was the case for his roommates. We took the opportunity to take a walk through the snow and ventured up to the local cemetery. This was a favored talking spot for the two of us. The cemetery was on a hill that overlooked our neighborhood and the entire campus beyond. Simply beautiful. As we walked up the hill neither of us spoke. I reached over and took his hand…he moved closer to me. We reached the top of the hill and sat down in the middle of the road. Ravi sat in front of me, and I wrapped my arms around his chest.

“So, what are we?” I asked.

“Soul mates. Brothers,” he whispered.

Ravi started telling me about his family. This was something he had never done before. The more he talked, the more I understood him. He spoke of his less than perfect relationship with his father. He stopped talking. I pulled him closer to me and saw the most beautiful thing ever. A tear. Ravi was always the strong, confident type that never let anything get to him. To see him this exposed was overwhelming.

“Rav, I don’t know what to do with you…”

“I love you, Josh. Don’t ever leave me.”

“I’m always right here,” feeling his pounding heart.

Ravi had a girlfriend. I almost had a girlfriend. But I was pretty sure that I was falling for him….hard. We walked down the hill and returned to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed and removed my shoes.

“Thanks for staying,” he said as he changed.

“Come here,” I said. He slid into my arms.

New Beginnings

First off, my name is not Joshua Daniels, but you may call me Joshua. That is the name I am using to keep anonymity. It has a meaning that will come out in later posts.

A little background:

I am a twenty-something male who has been dealing with a sexual identity crisis. For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to men. This scared the hell out of me. I never understood why I had these feelings. Only in the past few months have I gained a greater understanding of my same-sex attraction. I have recently become more focused on my path and have become more confident in my decisions.

Orientation aside:

I believe in equal rights.

I will always be an advocate.

I will be using this blog to share experiences I have had in relationships and in life. Most will be entries from a diary that I have kept off and on since college. There is truth in the telling, and I hope to share my story with anyone who wants to read it.

I anticipate posting frequently. I encourage comments and repartee. If you like it, share it with friends.