So Close...

My evening rendezvous with Evan continued. We drove to all the usual “make-out” locations, but nothing ever happened. One evening, near the local community college baseball field, we parked. Sitting on the tail gate of my truck I told him about my dad, my feelings about being gay, and ultimately my attraction towards him.

“The first time is always the hardest,” he said looking toward the horizon. I must have given him a strange look, because he looked at me and continued with, “Kissing…the first kiss is always the hardest.”

“I can’t kiss you,” I said. “I want to, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”

I didn't have an answer. And with that, we sat in silence for a few more minutes before I took him back to his car. Nothing happened. We parted and I watched him drive away.

A few more summer nights of the same routine, and still we hadn’t kissed. It was me. I was the one not kissing him. I wanted to. Oh God how I wanted to. But in doing so I was terrified at what I would be admitting to myself….

On Evan’s last night at home before leaving for an out of state college, we traveled to a near by recreation area and lake. We found a bench swing near the shore and became intertwined. I held him, our hands together. I felt every breath. Heaven. We didn’t talk much. For the first time my hands slipped under his shirt. The feeling…ecstasy. My attraction for Evan was unavoidable. I could no longer deny my own feelings. Just as I was working the courage to kiss him, we were interrupted. (The park was well past closed, and we both feared being ’caught.’) A false alarm….

On the drive back home I told Evan that I could not be in a relationship with him. First off, he was leaving to go start a new chapter in his life. Second, Evan was 6 years my junior. Excuses, I know. There seemed to be a mutual understanding. When we reached his car I didn’t want him to leave. I wished Evan the best of luck and safe travels before he left me.

He couldn’t have been a block away before I was following him home. I called him and told him to pull over. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to loose him. The only thing I wanted was to hold him in my arms for as long as I could. On the side of the road not far from his rural home I did just that. I held Evan closer than I ever had before. My fingers tangled his blond hair. I gazed into his blue eyes. Frightened and terrified, I told him that my affection for him was scaring me to death. Evan placed his hand on my chest…I was certain that my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

“Can I see you tomorrow,” I asked, “maybe on your way out of town?” I waited for the answer.

“I’ll try. I’ll call you in the morning.” He waited. I knew what he was waiting for… Evan embraced me and drove into the darkness.

My drive back into town sucked. I was crying too hard to see the road. I pulled over twice and sobbed. Never had I felt so complete while at the same time feeling so conflicted. Everything that I had experienced with Evan pushed me into a new level of understanding. So there. What the hell was I supposed to do? There I was: a nice, wholesome, Christian boy from the mid-west…..and I was in love…with a boy.

Evan

His name was Evan. I have no idea when I first met him. Even now when I think back it seems that I have always known Evan. Either through church or school functions Evan and I had several similar activities. School was out, summer had officially started, and Evan was starting to play a large part in my life.

I remember the first time we went out together, just the two of us. Evan wanted to go to a movie in a neighboring town. It was in this seemingly simple act of going to a movie with a friend that my feelings about Evan changed from “what? We’re just friends,” to “omg omg omg omg I’m not sure what the heck is going on!!” The movie: Hairspray. Afterwards we dropped by my favorite coffee shop and I couldn’t help but flirt with Evan. To this point we had never addressed the issues of orientation.

We talked a lot on the drive home. Everything from past relationships to what we are wanted to get out of life. After a moment of silence Evan looked at me and said, “Ok. I’m bi.” While I wasn’t surprised by this, I was surprised at his open and honest admission. It was at this point that I divulged information concerning my past relationship with Ravi.

Evan and I continued meeting. He was doing a community musical and I would just happen to show up at the end of rehearsal and the two of us would spend time together. Mostly we drove around. While this may have seemed like an odd activity, it was a conducive environment for both of us to open up and talk.

Finally I stopped driving and started asking questions. Why me? Why us? What are “we?” After both of us danced around the questions I asked him why he was attracted to men. (I mostly ask this in order to uncover the answer about myself. Remember: “I’m not gay.”) No reply. I turned in my seat and noticed that Evan was balled up in his seat leaning against the door…softly crying. Yeah…my heart broke at the sight. I gently reached over and took his hand in mine, and in the process made silent admissions about myself. Walls came down.

That was a good night. It was the beginning of something new, something special, and something that was about to change my live forever.

Exposed

As the semester continued, my questioning of Christian’s sexuality increased. As I was denying my own sexuality, I was trying to out Christian. While I could not have asked for a better roommate, I had my issues with Christian. He insisted that we constantly do things together because we were roommates. If I went to WalMart he wanted to go with me. He wanted to share a cart. It drove me nuts. The last thing I wanted was for someone at WalMart to think we were dating.

While I was critical of him not coming out, I wasn’t about to come out myself. I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be. Right?

One snowy fall semester evening I walked two houses down to Ravi’s house. He shared a room with two other friends, and fraternity brothers of mine. Ravi did not pledge a Greek organization. The campus tended to clear out on the weekends. Most students lived close enough to go home for the weekend. That was the case for his roommates. We took the opportunity to take a walk through the snow and ventured up to the local cemetery. This was a favored talking spot for the two of us. The cemetery was on a hill that overlooked our neighborhood and the entire campus beyond. Simply beautiful. As we walked up the hill neither of us spoke. I reached over and took his hand…he moved closer to me. We reached the top of the hill and sat down in the middle of the road. Ravi sat in front of me, and I wrapped my arms around his chest.

“So, what are we?” I asked.

“Soul mates. Brothers,” he whispered.

Ravi started telling me about his family. This was something he had never done before. The more he talked, the more I understood him. He spoke of his less than perfect relationship with his father. He stopped talking. I pulled him closer to me and saw the most beautiful thing ever. A tear. Ravi was always the strong, confident type that never let anything get to him. To see him this exposed was overwhelming.

“Rav, I don’t know what to do with you…”

“I love you, Josh. Don’t ever leave me.”

“I’m always right here,” feeling his pounding heart.

Ravi had a girlfriend. I almost had a girlfriend. But I was pretty sure that I was falling for him….hard. We walked down the hill and returned to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed and removed my shoes.

“Thanks for staying,” he said as he changed.

“Come here,” I said. He slid into my arms.