More Bitter than Sweet

Evan and I talked almost every day. He would call me between classes, on his way to rehearsals, during football games…but especially at night. I would lie in bed and talk with him until we were both too tired to talk. I loved every phone call.

One Saturday morning Evan called me. I was getting ready to go to a wedding…alone. (I HATE going to weddings alone) I asked him what I should wear, and then lamented that I would be going alone.

“Don’t worry, honey, I’ll sit with you,” he said in a chipper tone. I didn’t know what to say. I just assumed he was kidding, but he continued, “..and wear the orange tie. It's my favorite.” And with that he was off the phone and I was standing in my kitchen in shock.

Nervously I drove to the church and walked in the lobby. Would he be there? And oh my God…there he was. I wish I could have seen my own reaction. I had not expected to see Evan until Christmas, but there he was! On Labor Day weekend! Home!! Of course, we sat next to each other. I didn’t really know how to act. He wasn’t out, and I wasn’t gay (remember?), and our small town would likely stone us if they suspected anything.

We changed after the wedding and headed for a nearby recreation area and lake. Once again we found ourselves on a bench swing holding each for what felt like hours. That is all I wanted to do. I still wasn’t sure if I enjoyed holding him, or being held…it didn’t matter. I believe that we had both found what we were looking for.

We went back to my truck to get away from the bugs. He stretched across the seat in my lap.
“What are we doing?” he asked. I avoided the question. We lingered close, but didn’t kiss. We talked, we laughed...then we kissed. It was amazing. Just like the first time.

“What are we doing?” he asked again. I knew I couldn’t get out of it this time. I told him that as much as I loved what we had become, I couldn’t continue a relationship with him. There were a few reasons: his age, the distance, and the fact that I was just beginning to struggle with my sexuality at a level that scared me to death. It absolutely broke my heart to tell him, but I knew that I had to do it.

He moved back over to his seat and balled up against the door. He dropped my hand. He said he understood, but then continued to blame himself for knowing that he was setting himself up for heartbreak. I felt horrible. Because of what I had said I now had Evan completely breaking down on me…20 miles from home. The drive back was long and quiet. When he left my truck that night I hated to see him go. I had no idea what he was thinking and feeling. For the first time ever…I felt my heart ache. I wanted to follow him. I wanted to make sure he was ok. But I didn’t. Somehow I felt that this was going to bring us closer together...eventually.

Evan called me the next day and we met at the community college. He was better…at least talking to me. It was great to see him smiling. We didn’t touch…we didn’t kiss…we didn’t even flirt. We talked. We set boundaries. All good. We arranged to meet again in the morning before he drove back to school.

We met in the morning. I think I brought him some breakfast. It was fast. Once he was on the road, and I was on my way to work he called me.

“I miss you. I want to hold you. Come back. I should have kissed you. I’m sorry. It's my fault. Wait for me…I’m just not ready yet.” But of course, I didn’t actually say any of that…

No Regrets

Well…the next morning came. I was awake well before my alarm went off. I stared at my phone. Evan was to leave town bound for college in ten minutes. Would he stop by? I had no idea. Honestly I didn’t expect him to stop by. Then it happened…my phone rang. Nervously I looked at my phone…Evan never called me. He was more of a text message guy. Well it wasn’t Evan. It was my boss telling me that I needed to go to the airport for a pick-up. As soon as I got off the phone, I received a text. It was Evan.

“I’ll be there soon. I don’t have much time.”

I replied with a smiley. :) I rushed to the bathroom to at least check my hair, and use some Scope. I walked into the living room just as his car pulled up. He walked in and we sat on the couch…intertwined. We didn’t talk. My arms were around his chest. He arms were on top of mine. Then it happened. I pulled him around to face me and brushed my hand through his hair. We both hesitated…our lips so close…they touched…a teasing brush of the tongue…I pulled away…he pulled me back…intense…mutual…soft and warm…a little nibble on the lip…his taste…his scent…perfection.

“Took you long enough,” he said as we parted.

“Don’t go. Stay here,” I pleaded.

“You know I can’t…”

“Yeah…” And with that we walked to the door. We kissed again. I wanted to be sure that I would remember that taste, that feeling until the next time. There would be a next time.

So there. Good or bad. Right or wrong. We kissed…and I loved it. It was bound to happen. We had both flirted with the idea for the entire summer. Affection – perhaps the best word for our new relationship. I had no idea what was going on in my head. I didn’t’ care. The worst part? There wasn’t anyone I could tell. Not even my closest friends…

Evan had no plans to come home until Christmas. I got ready for work. I walked into my office with my head still spinning. I was thrown the keys to a company van I headed off on my 3.5 hours journey to the airport. Of course, I was on the phone with Evan the entire time…we talked…no regrets.

So Close...

My evening rendezvous with Evan continued. We drove to all the usual “make-out” locations, but nothing ever happened. One evening, near the local community college baseball field, we parked. Sitting on the tail gate of my truck I told him about my dad, my feelings about being gay, and ultimately my attraction towards him.

“The first time is always the hardest,” he said looking toward the horizon. I must have given him a strange look, because he looked at me and continued with, “Kissing…the first kiss is always the hardest.”

“I can’t kiss you,” I said. “I want to, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”

I didn't have an answer. And with that, we sat in silence for a few more minutes before I took him back to his car. Nothing happened. We parted and I watched him drive away.

A few more summer nights of the same routine, and still we hadn’t kissed. It was me. I was the one not kissing him. I wanted to. Oh God how I wanted to. But in doing so I was terrified at what I would be admitting to myself….

On Evan’s last night at home before leaving for an out of state college, we traveled to a near by recreation area and lake. We found a bench swing near the shore and became intertwined. I held him, our hands together. I felt every breath. Heaven. We didn’t talk much. For the first time my hands slipped under his shirt. The feeling…ecstasy. My attraction for Evan was unavoidable. I could no longer deny my own feelings. Just as I was working the courage to kiss him, we were interrupted. (The park was well past closed, and we both feared being ’caught.’) A false alarm….

On the drive back home I told Evan that I could not be in a relationship with him. First off, he was leaving to go start a new chapter in his life. Second, Evan was 6 years my junior. Excuses, I know. There seemed to be a mutual understanding. When we reached his car I didn’t want him to leave. I wished Evan the best of luck and safe travels before he left me.

He couldn’t have been a block away before I was following him home. I called him and told him to pull over. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to loose him. The only thing I wanted was to hold him in my arms for as long as I could. On the side of the road not far from his rural home I did just that. I held Evan closer than I ever had before. My fingers tangled his blond hair. I gazed into his blue eyes. Frightened and terrified, I told him that my affection for him was scaring me to death. Evan placed his hand on my chest…I was certain that my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

“Can I see you tomorrow,” I asked, “maybe on your way out of town?” I waited for the answer.

“I’ll try. I’ll call you in the morning.” He waited. I knew what he was waiting for… Evan embraced me and drove into the darkness.

My drive back into town sucked. I was crying too hard to see the road. I pulled over twice and sobbed. Never had I felt so complete while at the same time feeling so conflicted. Everything that I had experienced with Evan pushed me into a new level of understanding. So there. What the hell was I supposed to do? There I was: a nice, wholesome, Christian boy from the mid-west…..and I was in love…with a boy.