So Close...

My evening rendezvous with Evan continued. We drove to all the usual “make-out” locations, but nothing ever happened. One evening, near the local community college baseball field, we parked. Sitting on the tail gate of my truck I told him about my dad, my feelings about being gay, and ultimately my attraction towards him.

“The first time is always the hardest,” he said looking toward the horizon. I must have given him a strange look, because he looked at me and continued with, “Kissing…the first kiss is always the hardest.”

“I can’t kiss you,” I said. “I want to, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”

I didn't have an answer. And with that, we sat in silence for a few more minutes before I took him back to his car. Nothing happened. We parted and I watched him drive away.

A few more summer nights of the same routine, and still we hadn’t kissed. It was me. I was the one not kissing him. I wanted to. Oh God how I wanted to. But in doing so I was terrified at what I would be admitting to myself….

On Evan’s last night at home before leaving for an out of state college, we traveled to a near by recreation area and lake. We found a bench swing near the shore and became intertwined. I held him, our hands together. I felt every breath. Heaven. We didn’t talk much. For the first time my hands slipped under his shirt. The feeling…ecstasy. My attraction for Evan was unavoidable. I could no longer deny my own feelings. Just as I was working the courage to kiss him, we were interrupted. (The park was well past closed, and we both feared being ’caught.’) A false alarm….

On the drive back home I told Evan that I could not be in a relationship with him. First off, he was leaving to go start a new chapter in his life. Second, Evan was 6 years my junior. Excuses, I know. There seemed to be a mutual understanding. When we reached his car I didn’t want him to leave. I wished Evan the best of luck and safe travels before he left me.

He couldn’t have been a block away before I was following him home. I called him and told him to pull over. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to loose him. The only thing I wanted was to hold him in my arms for as long as I could. On the side of the road not far from his rural home I did just that. I held Evan closer than I ever had before. My fingers tangled his blond hair. I gazed into his blue eyes. Frightened and terrified, I told him that my affection for him was scaring me to death. Evan placed his hand on my chest…I was certain that my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

“Can I see you tomorrow,” I asked, “maybe on your way out of town?” I waited for the answer.

“I’ll try. I’ll call you in the morning.” He waited. I knew what he was waiting for… Evan embraced me and drove into the darkness.

My drive back into town sucked. I was crying too hard to see the road. I pulled over twice and sobbed. Never had I felt so complete while at the same time feeling so conflicted. Everything that I had experienced with Evan pushed me into a new level of understanding. So there. What the hell was I supposed to do? There I was: a nice, wholesome, Christian boy from the mid-west…..and I was in love…with a boy.

Hiding

During that four week break between graduation and the start of my new job I got together with Krista and Britton at a central location. We had a long full day of fun and adventure in the big city. At the end of the evening we all hesitated to say good-bye. We stood awkwardly beside Britton’s truck and completely avoided the fact that we had no idea when the next reunion would be. At a lull in the conversation Krista wrapped her arms around me and Britton and pulled us all in to a great big group hug. I’m sure this must have looked exceptionally odd with Britton being a foot taller than me. (But trust me, I wasn’t complaining.)

There were sniffles all around. I’m pretty sure we were all crying a little. Britton hugged Krista, Krista hugged me, I hugged Krista… Then Britton put both of his hands on my shoulders and spoke words that I will not soon forget. Yeah…I cried…a lot. So did he. Then his arms, his long strong arms wrapped around me. Heaven. It was an intoxicating moment. He pulled away and was unable to even speak. Britton was crying his eyes out. Sobbing, he walked over to his truck and drove away. Krista, still at my side, said, “Its really too bad you boys aren’t gay. You’d be too cute together.”

I awkwardly laughed and offered to drive her across the parking lot to her car. We lingered and talked for a few minutes, but then we too parted. Since then I have not seen Britton. I was unable to attend his wedding, but he did call me on the way to the airport before he left for his honeymoon.

So for that two year period I felt like I was hiding my true self. I felt especially bad about this concerning my relationship with Krista. I had turned her down several times without giving a good explanation. But I was doing what I thought needed to be done.

Just as I thought I had everything under control, something happened that changed my life. Before I even knew what was happening I was in deep. I was on the verge of entering a whole new phase of my life.

Yes. You are right. Josh is about to meet a boy.

Right?

Through a series of emails and a few phone calls, things were patched up with Christian over the summer. I spent the summer before my junior year doing the normal kid-home-from-college stuff. I worked the same two summer jobs that I had been working since high school, and I spend time with my friends from high school.

We have since started referring to ourselves as “The group.” Most of us attended different colleges, but we always maintained a close relationship. This before facebook! As the summer neared an end, it was obvious that we were all ready to return to college, to our friends, and to campus life!

Being a member of the college choir, I had to report to campus a few days before the majority of returning students in order to participate in formal college functions that required the presence of the choir. My parents and I generally took two days to drive out there…taking our time and spending time in some favorite locations along the way.

I pulled in front of our house and saw Christian’s car sitting in the lot across the street. It was the only other car there. The rest of the guys in the house wouldn’t be there for a few days. A few neighbors were back, but not too many people at all. I had never seen the room we were going to live in. I had lived next door the previous year in a similar house and just assumed the rooms would be nearly alike.

I walked in the room and found Christian’s “half” of the room to be already set-up. He didn’t leave me much room to work with. Are you ready for the creepy part? There were pictures of the two of us ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! I was not pleased. I had pledged into the same fraternity as Christian the year before. Most of the pictures were of Fraternity functions . . . but they had been doctored. He wasn’t that good at photo-shopping his head on to other people.

Shaking my head, I left the room and headed to the music department for rehearsal. As I entered the building I ran into Ravi. We embraced. We slid into a practice room where he placed his hands on my face and kissed me…lightly. This wasn’t a romantic kiss. This was a kiss that expressed how much he missed me over the summer…and I him. Right?

“What was that?” I asked.
“I’ve missed you,” he replied.

And with that, we walked into the rehearsal room. My head was spinning. A guy just kissed me! An extremely attractive guy just kissed me! Rehearsal ended and we all started making plans for the evening. Christian finally talked to me and asked if the room was ok. I lied, and said it looked great. As Christian started telling me of the plans that he had for us that night, Ravi walked behind me and took my hand as he passed. Of course, I knew that was a signal. Flustered for words, I told Christian that I would be staying with my parents that night at the B&B. Not completely a lie, I had dinner with my parents before returning to campus to stay with Ravi that night.

I entered his room to find him unpacking some books and whatnot. He turned, pinned me against the door, and bound me in the tightest, most passionate hug I had ever experienced. The night was late, and we had both traveled far that day…so we went straight to his bed. We laid there watching a movie. I got up to change into something more comfortable. I turned around to find Ravi in noting but a pair of shorts. With nothing but the glow of a muted television to light the way, we returned to bed. He put his arms around me, our legs tangled. His lean dancer’s build shivered for a few minutes under the cold sheets…I held him closer.

The only thing going through my head was, “I’m not gay. Right?”