When in Rome

The trip to Italy was fantastic. I missed Ravi everyday. During our first night there, the tsunami of 2004 hit Indonesia. When saw the news I immediately thought of Ravi. His parents and brother had traveled home to Indonesia for Christmas. I grabbed Cameron and through the use of an Italian phrase book we were able to figure out how to access the lobby computer. I logged in to AIM and we relieved to see that Ravi was on-line. Bad news: he had not been able to contact his parents. Our hearts chilled, Cam started to cry. (He was a crier. Only adding to his charm) Ravi promised to keep us posted, and we checked in as often as we could. It wasn’t until the next day that he heard the good news that his family was safe.

In each town, I shared a room with the assistant director and the director’s son, Mark. Mark was a few years younger than I was. Incredibly hot. A few times during the trip I had to say, “Stop it. Get off of me. You’re 17.”

I stuck pretty close to Cam during the trip. We were both missing our best friend. I brought Cam up to speed on my relationship with Ravi. He was shocked. He had no idea what had been going on between the two of us. Christian was also on the trip. Since I was in charge of room assignments (student director’s privilege), I made sure that Christian was no where near me. In fact, I roomed him with people that I knew he didn’t get along with very well. (pay back is a bitch)

So, I was becoming more accepting of my feeling for Ravi. Gay still wasn’t something that I could say. I “thought it was wrong.” Despite my thoughts, I still managed to fall asleep with Cam for about an hour on a lazy afternoon in Florence. We never talked about it.

The Night that Changed Everything

My senior year at [university] was a very exciting year. The choir’s normal spring break tour was being replaced by a trip to Italy during Christmas break. During the fall semester we took several mini-tours over weekends to help raise money for our trip.

My favorite part of choir tours was staying at host family’s homes. Most of the time a family would take one or two choir members. But this one time…a family took six of us. Their house was amazing. I walked in behind Ravi. Christian was also grouped with us along with Gavin, Cameron, and the director’s son Mark. There were five bedrooms for the six of us. The host mother said that two of us would need to share a bed in the guest house. Ravi grabbed my arm and followed her to our quarters.

Christian was pissed. He stormed off in the other direction following the others. Cameron looked back too. Cam was gorgeous. I had a bit of a crush on him, and I think he knew. He had long curly locks of hair the brushed in front of the lightest blue eyes I have ever seen. He had a body that would make Adonis jealous. He often flaunted it while running around our neighborhood. Anyway, Cam looked back and gave me a little wink as Rav and I walked towards the guest house.

The guest quarters was a small house in the back yard….the main house wasn’t even in sight. The host mother told us that she would drop the others off first and come back to pick us up. As was the case at the end of most tour days, we were exhausted and it was late.

Without a doubt, that was the best night of my life. It didn’t take long at all before Ravi was on top of me engaging in the hottest make-out session ever. He never kissed me like that before, and never did again. Rav slid next to me and proceeded to remove my remaining articles of clothing. That night, in that bed, his hands played me. There were moments that I was rendered speechless. Breathing being our only communication. Shoulders, arms, legs, chest…nothing was left untouched. It still replays in my mind. I long for the feelings that I had that night. Likewise, I explored his body in ways that I never had. His small frame was surrounded by well defined muscles covered by smooth dark skin. I miss the way it felt. We both respected each other. Nothing too scandalous was done. However, it was obvious that we both wanted it, but we always stopped short. (so to speak)

That night, I believe I experienced the culmination of our cumulative feelings toward each other. That was the first night that I considered I was gay, and felt ok with it. I awoke in the morning to find Ravi in my arms with my hands interlaced with his. Both of us experiencing the normal gentleman's morning issue. ;)

Breakfast came too soon. The six of us gathered in the kitchen. Christian was of course acting in his normal passive aggressive manner. (Middle School Girl) Gavin was starting to figure things out, and Cam was beside himself with excitement. Cam was always supportive of my friendship with Ravi when no one else liked him.

So that was it. That best night of my life…

Right?

Through a series of emails and a few phone calls, things were patched up with Christian over the summer. I spent the summer before my junior year doing the normal kid-home-from-college stuff. I worked the same two summer jobs that I had been working since high school, and I spend time with my friends from high school.

We have since started referring to ourselves as “The group.” Most of us attended different colleges, but we always maintained a close relationship. This before facebook! As the summer neared an end, it was obvious that we were all ready to return to college, to our friends, and to campus life!

Being a member of the college choir, I had to report to campus a few days before the majority of returning students in order to participate in formal college functions that required the presence of the choir. My parents and I generally took two days to drive out there…taking our time and spending time in some favorite locations along the way.

I pulled in front of our house and saw Christian’s car sitting in the lot across the street. It was the only other car there. The rest of the guys in the house wouldn’t be there for a few days. A few neighbors were back, but not too many people at all. I had never seen the room we were going to live in. I had lived next door the previous year in a similar house and just assumed the rooms would be nearly alike.

I walked in the room and found Christian’s “half” of the room to be already set-up. He didn’t leave me much room to work with. Are you ready for the creepy part? There were pictures of the two of us ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! I was not pleased. I had pledged into the same fraternity as Christian the year before. Most of the pictures were of Fraternity functions . . . but they had been doctored. He wasn’t that good at photo-shopping his head on to other people.

Shaking my head, I left the room and headed to the music department for rehearsal. As I entered the building I ran into Ravi. We embraced. We slid into a practice room where he placed his hands on my face and kissed me…lightly. This wasn’t a romantic kiss. This was a kiss that expressed how much he missed me over the summer…and I him. Right?

“What was that?” I asked.
“I’ve missed you,” he replied.

And with that, we walked into the rehearsal room. My head was spinning. A guy just kissed me! An extremely attractive guy just kissed me! Rehearsal ended and we all started making plans for the evening. Christian finally talked to me and asked if the room was ok. I lied, and said it looked great. As Christian started telling me of the plans that he had for us that night, Ravi walked behind me and took my hand as he passed. Of course, I knew that was a signal. Flustered for words, I told Christian that I would be staying with my parents that night at the B&B. Not completely a lie, I had dinner with my parents before returning to campus to stay with Ravi that night.

I entered his room to find him unpacking some books and whatnot. He turned, pinned me against the door, and bound me in the tightest, most passionate hug I had ever experienced. The night was late, and we had both traveled far that day…so we went straight to his bed. We laid there watching a movie. I got up to change into something more comfortable. I turned around to find Ravi in noting but a pair of shorts. With nothing but the glow of a muted television to light the way, we returned to bed. He put his arms around me, our legs tangled. His lean dancer’s build shivered for a few minutes under the cold sheets…I held him closer.

The only thing going through my head was, “I’m not gay. Right?”

The Roommates

After I returned from Christmas break I found that I had been assigned a new roommate. My straighter-than-straight roommate had been replaced by the introverted straight-and-over-sexed slightly smelly guy named Matt. Mat was nice enough. His girl friend was nice enough. I just wish more soap had been involved in their group showers. Matt and I were never really friends…and that was just fine with both of us.

I was developing a nice group of friends, mostly all associated with the music department. I met Christian while on a trip to a performance of Carmen at a neighboring college. We had some similar interests and seemed to get along well together. He was a Bio major, but also participated in the college choir. As the semester progressed so did our friendship, but I was noticing some disturbing tendencies. Christian was becoming slightly obsessed. Everything that I did, he did. If he noticed that I was wearing a grey shirt at breakfast, he would change into one by lunch. He wanted to know who cut my hair, what kind of styling products I used, and started to plan our social events for the weekend. He would get pissed if he walked into a room and I hadn’t saved a seat for him…right next to me. While the thought of Christian’s sexuality had never crossed my mind (mostly because I was not attracted to him at all), I was starting to realize that he was developing a crush on me. To make things even worse, I had already made the commitment to be his roommate the next fall.

That spring, while on the 9 day choir tour Christian developed an attitude of deep detestation towards any person I ‘showed favor’ towards…especially Ravi. I was actively avoiding any one-on-one time with Christian and I always surrounded myself with people that I knew would deter him from approaching me.

Things went downhill fast with Christian. He was acting, for lack of a better term, like a middle school girl. One afternoon towards the end of the school year I went to his room to talk things out. After talking through the door for a while, he finally let me in the room. He had been crying and listening to his ‘sad’ music all day. Again – middle school girl. We talked, but no real progress was accomplished. I told him he had until I left for home to set things straight. I still wanted to be his friend, I still wanted to be his roommate, but I was no where near understanding the depth of his obsessions…

The New Guy

I never thought of myself as gay. That was a word that I simply didn’t use. I couldn’t. I was raised under the conservative values that prohibited such thoughts and actions. The rumors didn’t bother me much…at least that is how I tried to come across. But if you have enough people tell you that you are gay, and you can’t explain the same-sex attractions thing…then it starts to take on a greater possibility. But yes…I was 19, in college, and single. Kind of single…

I mentioned earlier “the new guy.” It was a small college, and each crop of first years was quickly assimilated into the community. There was something different about this guy. Mysterious. Even the campus newspaper fell into the complexity of his ambiguity and ran a front page story on his sorted yet regal background.

His name: Ravi. While he had lived in the area for the past few years, he hailed from Southeast Asia. Without a doubt, Ravi was the most beautiful guy I had ever met. I was ecstatic to learn that I had a class with him! Not just any class….it was choir.

Over the course of that fall semester, Ravi and I became very close friends. I have no idea how it happened. I can’t even tell you if there was one defining moment. The night before I left for Christmas break Ravi came over to my house. I shared a house with three other guys, but that night I was alone. He helped me pack as we watched a movie. After we packed the last of my things, we shared a couch to finish the movie. Without saying anything and without looking at me he slid closer to me. The next thing I knew, Ravi was laying across me, in my arms, with his arms wrapped around my leg…snuggled in for the evening…

This was the first time that I had held another guy. This was the first time that another guy held me. This was the first time that I felt needed, appreciated, and loved…. I knew that my life, from that simple act, was changed forever.

It scared the hell out of me.