Hiding

During that four week break between graduation and the start of my new job I got together with Krista and Britton at a central location. We had a long full day of fun and adventure in the big city. At the end of the evening we all hesitated to say good-bye. We stood awkwardly beside Britton’s truck and completely avoided the fact that we had no idea when the next reunion would be. At a lull in the conversation Krista wrapped her arms around me and Britton and pulled us all in to a great big group hug. I’m sure this must have looked exceptionally odd with Britton being a foot taller than me. (But trust me, I wasn’t complaining.)

There were sniffles all around. I’m pretty sure we were all crying a little. Britton hugged Krista, Krista hugged me, I hugged Krista… Then Britton put both of his hands on my shoulders and spoke words that I will not soon forget. Yeah…I cried…a lot. So did he. Then his arms, his long strong arms wrapped around me. Heaven. It was an intoxicating moment. He pulled away and was unable to even speak. Britton was crying his eyes out. Sobbing, he walked over to his truck and drove away. Krista, still at my side, said, “Its really too bad you boys aren’t gay. You’d be too cute together.”

I awkwardly laughed and offered to drive her across the parking lot to her car. We lingered and talked for a few minutes, but then we too parted. Since then I have not seen Britton. I was unable to attend his wedding, but he did call me on the way to the airport before he left for his honeymoon.

So for that two year period I felt like I was hiding my true self. I felt especially bad about this concerning my relationship with Krista. I had turned her down several times without giving a good explanation. But I was doing what I thought needed to be done.

Just as I thought I had everything under control, something happened that changed my life. Before I even knew what was happening I was in deep. I was on the verge of entering a whole new phase of my life.

Yes. You are right. Josh is about to meet a boy.

My Bromance

Everything was going just great! I was progressing nicely through my second degree, I had a job that paid me to go to church twice a week, and I was becoming more active in community activities that I had dearly missed while I was away at [university].

The only time I every questioned my sexuality was when I saw Britton. (Four days a week) Krista, Britton, and I had formed an oddly tight friendship. Even one of our professors commented that it would be a kinky (yet hot) threesome. (This particular professor was more like a mentor than any sort of educational figure. That being said, he was the best thing to ever happen to me in a classroom) The three of us did everything together. Well….mostly. I tended to not stay too late after class as I had things to do at home. That was my excuse anyway. I was purposely avoiding any excess time with Britton.

That became an issue. Britton thought that I was brushing him off, not wanting to spend time with him, and trying to avoid him. That could not have been farther from the truth. Krista also noticed. She was closer to the truth than she realized. Krista would tell me that I would make a very good gay guy based on my fashion sense, appreciation for the arts, and my ability to pair wine while dining on a budget. She even loved to comment on my relationship with Britton as the cutest bromance she had ever seen.

The summer after I graduated I took four weeks off before starting at my full time job. During those four weeks my life changed. I met someone….

Parting Words

My last semester at [university] was a complete blur of activity. If finishing classes wasn’t enough, I had the GRE to worry about, grad schools to audition for, and a recital to pull off. Despite a few bumps here and there, I finished my undergraduate education feeling confident about my future.

But on the personal side of things, I had issues. Ravi decided to back off. He actually told me that things would be easier if we had never been friends. At least that is what I could understand through the tears. He had mentioned to me once that “people always leave.” It was true. I was leaving. My post-graduation plans did not include anything in that region. (There was one job interview that was close . . . but it was a long shot)

I refused to dissociate myself with Ravi. While we were spending less time together, our feelings towards each other had not changed. I knew that he had changed my life, and would forever be apart of me.

Christian went home before graduation as he was not graduating that year. I took advantage of the rare opportunity and invited Ravi and Cameron over for a movie. Cam cooked. Ravi picked the movie. And I made sure no one had an empty wine glass. (What? Just three average college guys.) The three of us had a fantastic final weekend together. We all ended up on the couch. I was in the middle. As I covertly reached for Rav’s hand, I felt the warm touch of Cam’s hand on my shoulder. He leaned over and whispered some parting words and walked out with a smile. As Rav received my hand, I turned to watch Cam leave, sending a wink our way as he closed the door.

My night with Rav was comparatively uneventful. Nothing happened. We didn’t need anything to happen the night before I left. In the morning, I awoke only to see him staring at me.

“You’re a beautiful sleeper,” he said pulling me closer.

“I’m not leaving you.” I stared back at him.

“You have to go. Its ok. Josh, I still don’t get us. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean…are we….I don’t know….its just that…”

“…Rav. I love you too.”

He smiled and pulled me into our last kiss.

That afternoon I walked across the stage and left [university] behind. I was well prepared to enter the workforce, or grad school. (I had not yet committed to a school) As I through the chapel parking lot with my family, I saw Ravi walking by the duck pond. He smiled and waved.

“Was that Ravi?” my mom asked. “Why didn’t he come and say good-bye?”

With a smile on my face I looked toward the duck pond and said, “He already did.”