What now?

Readers,

This blog has served the purpose I desired. It has been a medium through which I can share my life. While the story continues I feel it is best left unblogged. Thank you all for your comments, support, and advice. I covet all of your input.

I will keep this account active in order to continue to follow the few blogs that I have been reading. :) I'll miss you...

New Beginnings

The day that changed everything started out just like any other day. Well…not exactly. It was a crazy busy day. I was off of work, but that only gave me time to work at a local fall festival as the emcee for the day. The fall festival is a pretty big deal in my small town. Everyone shows up.

As I was tearing down my area at the end of the day I was surprised by a friend. Courtney, home from college for the weekend, nearly scared me to death when she gave me an attack-hug from behind. She was a close friend of Evan’s, but to my knowledge didn’t know anything about my relationship with him. It was great to see Courtney and catch up with her. While we were talking, Mitch sauntered around the corner. Of course, I broke into a huge smile. He walked over and greeted Courtney and then wrapped me in his arms. He looked too thin, hopelessly sad, and burdened with an unknown secret. I didn’t ask. He didn’t tell.

The three of us stood there talking for a long time. Mitch was constantly looking around or at his phone. Then I figured out why. A car pulled stopped near us and a guy stepped out and started walking towards us. As this guy got closer Mitch closed-up. He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step back from Courtney and me. Mitch introduced us to Jason…his friend from school. My first thought was that this was NOT the guy from Mitch’s blog…unless he changed his name. Jason was a creep. We walked over to the edge of the stage and sat. Jason was being verbally abusive to Mitch and touching him in ways that no friend should. Courtney and I shot glances at each other every time. While Mitch had never disclosed his sexuality, Jason was almost too flamboyant about it. He was even wearing a rainbow belt.

I was nowhere near being finished talking with Mitch. He told us he had to go, but his eyes told me he didn’t want to leave. I never felt so helpless… I watched Mitch and Jason leave. Mitch was so passive…head down, no eye contact. I wanted to punch this Jason character.

That evening there was a Blue’s Festival on the street in front of the local bars. I wasn’t usually a fan of such events, but I decided to go. Courtney was working at one of the bars and I wanted to keep visiting with her. It was that night that I told her everything about Evan and my relationship with him. This was the first time that I ever told anyone about my attraction to men. She had no idea that Evan and I had been together. In a way I was relieved that it wasn’t too obvious.

The more I talked, the more I felt okay with being gay. (Even though that wasn’t a word that I used to identify myself) Courtney was very supportive. We also talked about Mitch. Neither of us knew enough about him to speculate about this new guy he brought home. I didn’t see Mitch again before he left. I needed to know more about him…

The weekend ended and Courtney returned to school. We continued to talk and spend time together whenever she was home. I loved having someone who I didn’t have to hide from. I was being completely honest for the first time in my life. I felt fantastic!

A Banana Problem

So Mitch left. As quickly as he entered my life, he was gone. None of the mysteries surrounding him were solved. Before he left, Mitch started a blog to share his new life with all of us back home. This was the only connection I had with him. I checked everyday to see if he had posted anything new. He didn’t post as frequently as I had hoped, but each post was an amazing slice of his new life. I would comment, and Mitch would reply. Slowly we increased our conversations, and even started calling each other. I’ll never forget one phone call that took place on a snowy Sunday afternoon.

He had a concerned tone in his voice and mentioned that he had a problem. Of course, I offered to help anyway I could. He took a deep breath and slowly started telling me his problem. He was standing in his kitchen, and had no idea how to keep the bananas from floating to the top of his Jell-O. THIS was the biggest problem in Mitch’s life and I adored the fact that he called ME to help him figure it out. I had no idea how…

Over several blog posts he had mentioned a new friend…Peter. They seemed to be spending a lot of time together. One post grabbed my attention. The following has been taken directly from Mitch’s blog:

“Today, we were at my apartment, sitting on my couch, I was wrapped in Peter’s arms in the way an older brother loves on his little brother, worship music on softly as God once more took control, Josh began praying over me…..over us …….three days ago I had been praying for Him to open my eyes to the love around me… ……. my eyes closed ……I had to listen to see it……
…………….we were breathing the same breaths….the same rhythm……..synchronized heart beats………….and I saw an image of us two, sitting as we were, strings from my heart connecting to his…..and the strings from his heart connecting to mine….”

I read it over and over again. I wanted to be Peter! I wanted to be the one holding Mitch! What was Mitch saying? I was experiencing jealousy. Before he left, did Mitch want to tell me that he was gay? Why hadn’t he told me?

Mitch mentioned in this blog that being close to Peter made him feel closer to God. That is exactly what I felt when I was with Evan! Mitch was going to be home in a few weeks. I wanted nothing more than to get together with him and learn more. And I did…

Mitch II

My life turned into something normal, routine, and boring. Aside from my job, I didn’t really do too much. I had an amazing group of friends that I would socialize with, but I always felt like I was hiding. We would go out on the weekends, and I would always be on guard. Did the hot foreign exchange student notice me staring? Was I overcompensating? Did they know? It was all too much…

My conversations with Evan had been diluted to the occasional text message. But believe me…I was always excited to get one. Christmas break was approaching and he would be coming home. This would be Evan’s first trip home since Labor Day. Of course, I was excited to see him. Well…he came home, but I didn’t see him much. He wasn’t returning messages, nor was he sending me any texts. Finally I was able to talk with him. Evan explained that he was busy, tired, and really wasn’t sure when he would have time to come over. He was blowing me off. I guess I understood…

Meanwhile, I had been spending more time with Mitch. It was nothing like my relationship with Evan. Mitch and I were friends…just friends. He and I both participated in the local art community and had several mutual friends through church and school. I was starting to notice another similarity between us. Through our conversations it became clear that both Mitch and I were seeking male companionship. We both expressed our lifelong desire to have a brother. We both shared feelings about our [missing] fathers.

One afternoon Mitch informed me that he was leaving. In less than a month he was planning on moving and taking part in a church-based education program about 8 hours away. Initially I was crushed. But the more he explained the program the more I understood that Mitch needed to go. Our time together was different than with other friends. It is hard for me to describe my friendship with Mitch. We never planned to spend time together, but always seemed to enjoy running into each other around town. I would go out of my way at his place of work just to see him, and he would linger at a local coffee shop waiting for me to walk by on my way to work. It was nice.

The day before he left he called me and wanted to meet for lunch. It was a pretty normal lunch for the two of us. But he was nervous. I just assumed that he was anxious about leaving. As we were walking out of the restaurant he said he had something to tell me, but he wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. I just looked at him...waiting…but he shook it off and changed the subject. My mind was racing! What was he not saying? Was he about to tell me that he was gay? Was he attracted to me? To another guy? I had not told him anything about Evan. It was killing me not knowing, but I didn’t press him for information at all.

I pulled into his driveway, but he didn’t get out of the truck. Since this was the eve of his journey I asked if I could pray with/for him. I did.

“That means more than you know,” he said as I walked him to the door. With that, Mitch hugged me. He had never done that before. This was an incredible hug. His arms were wrapped completely around me in the tightest lock I had ever been in before. With a tear in his eye Mitch walked through the door.

It was only while Mitch was gone that I learned more about him…

Mitch

My weekly schedule involved some volunteer time at the elementary school. Over the course of a semester I met Mitch. Mitch also volunteered at the elementary school. I knew who he was, but I had never really talked with him. The first time I saw Mitch I asked the guy standing next to me, “Who is he, and what is bothering him?”

Their response was, “That’s just Mitch.”

Unsatisfied, I was determined to get to know this guy. Mitch and Evan were friends, so I though I would use that as my way in. During our volunteer time I decided to introduce myself. Noticing that he was a very gifted artist, I complimented some of his work that was hanging in a local show. Instant friends. We started to plan our time at the elementary school so we would both be there at the same time. Our mentees would play together while Mitch and I would talk.

Every since my relationship with Evan, I had become more comfortable with my attraction to guys. Mitch was extremely attractive to me. He was exceptionally pale, almost too thin, had the most beautiful brown hair that fell in loose curls, amazingly beautiful teeth (shown in a smile that was absolutely melting), and doe eyes that seemed to always be on the verge of tears.

Mitch was mysterious. I had no idea what his orientation was. I wasn’t about to make a move on him, but he was too intriguing to not pursue. It was obvious to me that Mitch was a very passionate Christian. In fact, I even sponsored him to go on a weekend retreat put on by my church. Mitch presented a very difficult problem to me. How could I remain strong in my faith, and follow my heart at the same time. This is just the beginning of my journey…

Role of a Lifetime

September turned to October and Evan was back at school. Our phone calls gradually tapered off to only once or twice a week. Then…they stopped completely. I know, I could have called him…but I didn’t. I felt like I was intruding on Evan’s life. Who was I to think that he needed me as much as I needed him? After all, I’m the one who pushed him away; I’m the one who told him I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

My fall continued. One evening I was on my way back from a rehearsal when I received a call from a friend/colleague. Carol was a musician with the same orchestra I was singing with. I didn’t realize that she had been behind me for most of the drive home. She suggested that we meet at a local bar where some of our friends had already gathered.

After a few drinks everyone was ready to leave...but I wasn’t. Carol seemed interested in another round as well. The bar was empty. It was just me and Carol and the two gals behind the counter. She didn’t waste any time. Carol just straight up asked me if I was involved with Evan. (She also knew him) I couldn’t lie. Carol and I were pretty good friends. If I could tell anyone, I knew it was her. In fact, just the week before I practically begged her to ask me. While she wasn’t exactly shocked, she was stunned that I admitted to it.

The conversation turned towards homosexuality in general. Is it a choice? If so, why make that choice? I just started talking, and she listened. Carol allowed me to share my life story and she didn’t judge me. It was really an amazing moment of self analyzing. I came to the conclusion that I was looking for something and Evan had what I needed. But I didn’t know what that was. (So really, not much was accomplished) I kissed him, and it felt right. I held him, and I was in heaven. I questioned what we were, and felt closer to God. I know that I have always sought male companionship in my life. Mostly I have always wanted a brother…an older brother.

I thought it was just a one time thing…Evan. Surely I wouldn’t fall for another guy. Just as soon as I was starting to put Evan behind me…just as soon as I was ready to not be gay anymore…



(Enter Mitch…fade to black)

More Bitter than Sweet

Evan and I talked almost every day. He would call me between classes, on his way to rehearsals, during football games…but especially at night. I would lie in bed and talk with him until we were both too tired to talk. I loved every phone call.

One Saturday morning Evan called me. I was getting ready to go to a wedding…alone. (I HATE going to weddings alone) I asked him what I should wear, and then lamented that I would be going alone.

“Don’t worry, honey, I’ll sit with you,” he said in a chipper tone. I didn’t know what to say. I just assumed he was kidding, but he continued, “..and wear the orange tie. It's my favorite.” And with that he was off the phone and I was standing in my kitchen in shock.

Nervously I drove to the church and walked in the lobby. Would he be there? And oh my God…there he was. I wish I could have seen my own reaction. I had not expected to see Evan until Christmas, but there he was! On Labor Day weekend! Home!! Of course, we sat next to each other. I didn’t really know how to act. He wasn’t out, and I wasn’t gay (remember?), and our small town would likely stone us if they suspected anything.

We changed after the wedding and headed for a nearby recreation area and lake. Once again we found ourselves on a bench swing holding each for what felt like hours. That is all I wanted to do. I still wasn’t sure if I enjoyed holding him, or being held…it didn’t matter. I believe that we had both found what we were looking for.

We went back to my truck to get away from the bugs. He stretched across the seat in my lap.
“What are we doing?” he asked. I avoided the question. We lingered close, but didn’t kiss. We talked, we laughed...then we kissed. It was amazing. Just like the first time.

“What are we doing?” he asked again. I knew I couldn’t get out of it this time. I told him that as much as I loved what we had become, I couldn’t continue a relationship with him. There were a few reasons: his age, the distance, and the fact that I was just beginning to struggle with my sexuality at a level that scared me to death. It absolutely broke my heart to tell him, but I knew that I had to do it.

He moved back over to his seat and balled up against the door. He dropped my hand. He said he understood, but then continued to blame himself for knowing that he was setting himself up for heartbreak. I felt horrible. Because of what I had said I now had Evan completely breaking down on me…20 miles from home. The drive back was long and quiet. When he left my truck that night I hated to see him go. I had no idea what he was thinking and feeling. For the first time ever…I felt my heart ache. I wanted to follow him. I wanted to make sure he was ok. But I didn’t. Somehow I felt that this was going to bring us closer together...eventually.

Evan called me the next day and we met at the community college. He was better…at least talking to me. It was great to see him smiling. We didn’t touch…we didn’t kiss…we didn’t even flirt. We talked. We set boundaries. All good. We arranged to meet again in the morning before he drove back to school.

We met in the morning. I think I brought him some breakfast. It was fast. Once he was on the road, and I was on my way to work he called me.

“I miss you. I want to hold you. Come back. I should have kissed you. I’m sorry. It's my fault. Wait for me…I’m just not ready yet.” But of course, I didn’t actually say any of that…