The New Guy

I never thought of myself as gay. That was a word that I simply didn’t use. I couldn’t. I was raised under the conservative values that prohibited such thoughts and actions. The rumors didn’t bother me much…at least that is how I tried to come across. But if you have enough people tell you that you are gay, and you can’t explain the same-sex attractions thing…then it starts to take on a greater possibility. But yes…I was 19, in college, and single. Kind of single…

I mentioned earlier “the new guy.” It was a small college, and each crop of first years was quickly assimilated into the community. There was something different about this guy. Mysterious. Even the campus newspaper fell into the complexity of his ambiguity and ran a front page story on his sorted yet regal background.

His name: Ravi. While he had lived in the area for the past few years, he hailed from Southeast Asia. Without a doubt, Ravi was the most beautiful guy I had ever met. I was ecstatic to learn that I had a class with him! Not just any class….it was choir.

Over the course of that fall semester, Ravi and I became very close friends. I have no idea how it happened. I can’t even tell you if there was one defining moment. The night before I left for Christmas break Ravi came over to my house. I shared a house with three other guys, but that night I was alone. He helped me pack as we watched a movie. After we packed the last of my things, we shared a couch to finish the movie. Without saying anything and without looking at me he slid closer to me. The next thing I knew, Ravi was laying across me, in my arms, with his arms wrapped around my leg…snuggled in for the evening…

This was the first time that I had held another guy. This was the first time that another guy held me. This was the first time that I felt needed, appreciated, and loved…. I knew that my life, from that simple act, was changed forever.

It scared the hell out of me.

The Reinvention

For me, high school was a fairly normal experience. I was active, participated in several extra-curricular activities, and had an amazing group of friends. Sexual orientation was not something that was talked about in my school. Or in my town for that matter. We all had our suspicions about other students, but no one ever said anything.

I wouldn’t classify myself as a serial dater, but I dated my share of girls. My friends were always surprised at the ‘class’ of girls that I would date. I never knew how to take their surprise. Was it criticism, or jealousy? There was one relationship that lasted from the beginning of my senior year well into my freshman year in college. I was in love. Well, I was in love as much as a sexually confused 18 year old could be. The entire time I was in that relationship I knew that something just didn’t feel right. I was doing everything I should be doing. I was going through all the motions of a stable relationship. The problem: I was attracted more to her best friend…her male best friend.

I attended a local community college that first year. Eventually people did start to talk about me….assumptions of me being gay pervaded my daily life. So here are the facts:

• Other people assumed I was gay and told me so.
• I am active in the arts.
• I actually was attracted to guys.
• My biological father is a homosexual.

Did I forget to mention that? Yes, my dad is gay. I haven’t seen him since I was 5. I found out the truth behind my parents divorce when I was about 13 years old. From that day on, my orientation wasn’t far from my mind.

I left for college the following year with the idea of reinventing myself. I did not want to come across as that gay guy in choir. (I was a music major). I attended a school far enough away that no one would know me. My plans of reinvention brought me very close to walking on with the football team. What a better way to not be gay, right? Sure, a bunch of guys in tight pants slapping each other every other second hadn’t crossed my mind as a potential problem. I didn’t go through with it…there were too many schedule conflicts with my academic programs. That’s probably for the best.

For the most part, my first year away was great. There were no vicious rumors, no body talking behind my back, and my roommate was the straightest nerd of a guy you could ever meet. Everything was great. Well, except for the fact that I became friends with and surrounded myself with the best looking guys on campus…

Yes, everything was great. That is, until I went back to school in the fall and met…the new guy…

New Beginnings

First off, my name is not Joshua Daniels, but you may call me Joshua. That is the name I am using to keep anonymity. It has a meaning that will come out in later posts.

A little background:

I am a twenty-something male who has been dealing with a sexual identity crisis. For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to men. This scared the hell out of me. I never understood why I had these feelings. Only in the past few months have I gained a greater understanding of my same-sex attraction. I have recently become more focused on my path and have become more confident in my decisions.

Orientation aside:

I believe in equal rights.

I will always be an advocate.

I will be using this blog to share experiences I have had in relationships and in life. Most will be entries from a diary that I have kept off and on since college. There is truth in the telling, and I hope to share my story with anyone who wants to read it.

I anticipate posting frequently. I encourage comments and repartee. If you like it, share it with friends.