No Regrets

Well…the next morning came. I was awake well before my alarm went off. I stared at my phone. Evan was to leave town bound for college in ten minutes. Would he stop by? I had no idea. Honestly I didn’t expect him to stop by. Then it happened…my phone rang. Nervously I looked at my phone…Evan never called me. He was more of a text message guy. Well it wasn’t Evan. It was my boss telling me that I needed to go to the airport for a pick-up. As soon as I got off the phone, I received a text. It was Evan.

“I’ll be there soon. I don’t have much time.”

I replied with a smiley. :) I rushed to the bathroom to at least check my hair, and use some Scope. I walked into the living room just as his car pulled up. He walked in and we sat on the couch…intertwined. We didn’t talk. My arms were around his chest. He arms were on top of mine. Then it happened. I pulled him around to face me and brushed my hand through his hair. We both hesitated…our lips so close…they touched…a teasing brush of the tongue…I pulled away…he pulled me back…intense…mutual…soft and warm…a little nibble on the lip…his taste…his scent…perfection.

“Took you long enough,” he said as we parted.

“Don’t go. Stay here,” I pleaded.

“You know I can’t…”

“Yeah…” And with that we walked to the door. We kissed again. I wanted to be sure that I would remember that taste, that feeling until the next time. There would be a next time.

So there. Good or bad. Right or wrong. We kissed…and I loved it. It was bound to happen. We had both flirted with the idea for the entire summer. Affection – perhaps the best word for our new relationship. I had no idea what was going on in my head. I didn’t’ care. The worst part? There wasn’t anyone I could tell. Not even my closest friends…

Evan had no plans to come home until Christmas. I got ready for work. I walked into my office with my head still spinning. I was thrown the keys to a company van I headed off on my 3.5 hours journey to the airport. Of course, I was on the phone with Evan the entire time…we talked…no regrets.

So Close...

My evening rendezvous with Evan continued. We drove to all the usual “make-out” locations, but nothing ever happened. One evening, near the local community college baseball field, we parked. Sitting on the tail gate of my truck I told him about my dad, my feelings about being gay, and ultimately my attraction towards him.

“The first time is always the hardest,” he said looking toward the horizon. I must have given him a strange look, because he looked at me and continued with, “Kissing…the first kiss is always the hardest.”

“I can’t kiss you,” I said. “I want to, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”

I didn't have an answer. And with that, we sat in silence for a few more minutes before I took him back to his car. Nothing happened. We parted and I watched him drive away.

A few more summer nights of the same routine, and still we hadn’t kissed. It was me. I was the one not kissing him. I wanted to. Oh God how I wanted to. But in doing so I was terrified at what I would be admitting to myself….

On Evan’s last night at home before leaving for an out of state college, we traveled to a near by recreation area and lake. We found a bench swing near the shore and became intertwined. I held him, our hands together. I felt every breath. Heaven. We didn’t talk much. For the first time my hands slipped under his shirt. The feeling…ecstasy. My attraction for Evan was unavoidable. I could no longer deny my own feelings. Just as I was working the courage to kiss him, we were interrupted. (The park was well past closed, and we both feared being ’caught.’) A false alarm….

On the drive back home I told Evan that I could not be in a relationship with him. First off, he was leaving to go start a new chapter in his life. Second, Evan was 6 years my junior. Excuses, I know. There seemed to be a mutual understanding. When we reached his car I didn’t want him to leave. I wished Evan the best of luck and safe travels before he left me.

He couldn’t have been a block away before I was following him home. I called him and told him to pull over. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to loose him. The only thing I wanted was to hold him in my arms for as long as I could. On the side of the road not far from his rural home I did just that. I held Evan closer than I ever had before. My fingers tangled his blond hair. I gazed into his blue eyes. Frightened and terrified, I told him that my affection for him was scaring me to death. Evan placed his hand on my chest…I was certain that my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

“Can I see you tomorrow,” I asked, “maybe on your way out of town?” I waited for the answer.

“I’ll try. I’ll call you in the morning.” He waited. I knew what he was waiting for… Evan embraced me and drove into the darkness.

My drive back into town sucked. I was crying too hard to see the road. I pulled over twice and sobbed. Never had I felt so complete while at the same time feeling so conflicted. Everything that I had experienced with Evan pushed me into a new level of understanding. So there. What the hell was I supposed to do? There I was: a nice, wholesome, Christian boy from the mid-west…..and I was in love…with a boy.

Evan

His name was Evan. I have no idea when I first met him. Even now when I think back it seems that I have always known Evan. Either through church or school functions Evan and I had several similar activities. School was out, summer had officially started, and Evan was starting to play a large part in my life.

I remember the first time we went out together, just the two of us. Evan wanted to go to a movie in a neighboring town. It was in this seemingly simple act of going to a movie with a friend that my feelings about Evan changed from “what? We’re just friends,” to “omg omg omg omg I’m not sure what the heck is going on!!” The movie: Hairspray. Afterwards we dropped by my favorite coffee shop and I couldn’t help but flirt with Evan. To this point we had never addressed the issues of orientation.

We talked a lot on the drive home. Everything from past relationships to what we are wanted to get out of life. After a moment of silence Evan looked at me and said, “Ok. I’m bi.” While I wasn’t surprised by this, I was surprised at his open and honest admission. It was at this point that I divulged information concerning my past relationship with Ravi.

Evan and I continued meeting. He was doing a community musical and I would just happen to show up at the end of rehearsal and the two of us would spend time together. Mostly we drove around. While this may have seemed like an odd activity, it was a conducive environment for both of us to open up and talk.

Finally I stopped driving and started asking questions. Why me? Why us? What are “we?” After both of us danced around the questions I asked him why he was attracted to men. (I mostly ask this in order to uncover the answer about myself. Remember: “I’m not gay.”) No reply. I turned in my seat and noticed that Evan was balled up in his seat leaning against the door…softly crying. Yeah…my heart broke at the sight. I gently reached over and took his hand in mine, and in the process made silent admissions about myself. Walls came down.

That was a good night. It was the beginning of something new, something special, and something that was about to change my live forever.

Hiding

During that four week break between graduation and the start of my new job I got together with Krista and Britton at a central location. We had a long full day of fun and adventure in the big city. At the end of the evening we all hesitated to say good-bye. We stood awkwardly beside Britton’s truck and completely avoided the fact that we had no idea when the next reunion would be. At a lull in the conversation Krista wrapped her arms around me and Britton and pulled us all in to a great big group hug. I’m sure this must have looked exceptionally odd with Britton being a foot taller than me. (But trust me, I wasn’t complaining.)

There were sniffles all around. I’m pretty sure we were all crying a little. Britton hugged Krista, Krista hugged me, I hugged Krista… Then Britton put both of his hands on my shoulders and spoke words that I will not soon forget. Yeah…I cried…a lot. So did he. Then his arms, his long strong arms wrapped around me. Heaven. It was an intoxicating moment. He pulled away and was unable to even speak. Britton was crying his eyes out. Sobbing, he walked over to his truck and drove away. Krista, still at my side, said, “Its really too bad you boys aren’t gay. You’d be too cute together.”

I awkwardly laughed and offered to drive her across the parking lot to her car. We lingered and talked for a few minutes, but then we too parted. Since then I have not seen Britton. I was unable to attend his wedding, but he did call me on the way to the airport before he left for his honeymoon.

So for that two year period I felt like I was hiding my true self. I felt especially bad about this concerning my relationship with Krista. I had turned her down several times without giving a good explanation. But I was doing what I thought needed to be done.

Just as I thought I had everything under control, something happened that changed my life. Before I even knew what was happening I was in deep. I was on the verge of entering a whole new phase of my life.

Yes. You are right. Josh is about to meet a boy.

My Bromance

Everything was going just great! I was progressing nicely through my second degree, I had a job that paid me to go to church twice a week, and I was becoming more active in community activities that I had dearly missed while I was away at [university].

The only time I every questioned my sexuality was when I saw Britton. (Four days a week) Krista, Britton, and I had formed an oddly tight friendship. Even one of our professors commented that it would be a kinky (yet hot) threesome. (This particular professor was more like a mentor than any sort of educational figure. That being said, he was the best thing to ever happen to me in a classroom) The three of us did everything together. Well….mostly. I tended to not stay too late after class as I had things to do at home. That was my excuse anyway. I was purposely avoiding any excess time with Britton.

That became an issue. Britton thought that I was brushing him off, not wanting to spend time with him, and trying to avoid him. That could not have been farther from the truth. Krista also noticed. She was closer to the truth than she realized. Krista would tell me that I would make a very good gay guy based on my fashion sense, appreciation for the arts, and my ability to pair wine while dining on a budget. She even loved to comment on my relationship with Britton as the cutest bromance she had ever seen.

The summer after I graduated I took four weeks off before starting at my full time job. During those four weeks my life changed. I met someone….