New Beginnings

The day that changed everything started out just like any other day. Well…not exactly. It was a crazy busy day. I was off of work, but that only gave me time to work at a local fall festival as the emcee for the day. The fall festival is a pretty big deal in my small town. Everyone shows up.

As I was tearing down my area at the end of the day I was surprised by a friend. Courtney, home from college for the weekend, nearly scared me to death when she gave me an attack-hug from behind. She was a close friend of Evan’s, but to my knowledge didn’t know anything about my relationship with him. It was great to see Courtney and catch up with her. While we were talking, Mitch sauntered around the corner. Of course, I broke into a huge smile. He walked over and greeted Courtney and then wrapped me in his arms. He looked too thin, hopelessly sad, and burdened with an unknown secret. I didn’t ask. He didn’t tell.

The three of us stood there talking for a long time. Mitch was constantly looking around or at his phone. Then I figured out why. A car pulled stopped near us and a guy stepped out and started walking towards us. As this guy got closer Mitch closed-up. He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step back from Courtney and me. Mitch introduced us to Jason…his friend from school. My first thought was that this was NOT the guy from Mitch’s blog…unless he changed his name. Jason was a creep. We walked over to the edge of the stage and sat. Jason was being verbally abusive to Mitch and touching him in ways that no friend should. Courtney and I shot glances at each other every time. While Mitch had never disclosed his sexuality, Jason was almost too flamboyant about it. He was even wearing a rainbow belt.

I was nowhere near being finished talking with Mitch. He told us he had to go, but his eyes told me he didn’t want to leave. I never felt so helpless… I watched Mitch and Jason leave. Mitch was so passive…head down, no eye contact. I wanted to punch this Jason character.

That evening there was a Blue’s Festival on the street in front of the local bars. I wasn’t usually a fan of such events, but I decided to go. Courtney was working at one of the bars and I wanted to keep visiting with her. It was that night that I told her everything about Evan and my relationship with him. This was the first time that I ever told anyone about my attraction to men. She had no idea that Evan and I had been together. In a way I was relieved that it wasn’t too obvious.

The more I talked, the more I felt okay with being gay. (Even though that wasn’t a word that I used to identify myself) Courtney was very supportive. We also talked about Mitch. Neither of us knew enough about him to speculate about this new guy he brought home. I didn’t see Mitch again before he left. I needed to know more about him…

The weekend ended and Courtney returned to school. We continued to talk and spend time together whenever she was home. I loved having someone who I didn’t have to hide from. I was being completely honest for the first time in my life. I felt fantastic!

A Banana Problem

So Mitch left. As quickly as he entered my life, he was gone. None of the mysteries surrounding him were solved. Before he left, Mitch started a blog to share his new life with all of us back home. This was the only connection I had with him. I checked everyday to see if he had posted anything new. He didn’t post as frequently as I had hoped, but each post was an amazing slice of his new life. I would comment, and Mitch would reply. Slowly we increased our conversations, and even started calling each other. I’ll never forget one phone call that took place on a snowy Sunday afternoon.

He had a concerned tone in his voice and mentioned that he had a problem. Of course, I offered to help anyway I could. He took a deep breath and slowly started telling me his problem. He was standing in his kitchen, and had no idea how to keep the bananas from floating to the top of his Jell-O. THIS was the biggest problem in Mitch’s life and I adored the fact that he called ME to help him figure it out. I had no idea how…

Over several blog posts he had mentioned a new friend…Peter. They seemed to be spending a lot of time together. One post grabbed my attention. The following has been taken directly from Mitch’s blog:

“Today, we were at my apartment, sitting on my couch, I was wrapped in Peter’s arms in the way an older brother loves on his little brother, worship music on softly as God once more took control, Josh began praying over me…..over us …….three days ago I had been praying for Him to open my eyes to the love around me… ……. my eyes closed ……I had to listen to see it……
…………….we were breathing the same breaths….the same rhythm……..synchronized heart beats………….and I saw an image of us two, sitting as we were, strings from my heart connecting to his…..and the strings from his heart connecting to mine….”

I read it over and over again. I wanted to be Peter! I wanted to be the one holding Mitch! What was Mitch saying? I was experiencing jealousy. Before he left, did Mitch want to tell me that he was gay? Why hadn’t he told me?

Mitch mentioned in this blog that being close to Peter made him feel closer to God. That is exactly what I felt when I was with Evan! Mitch was going to be home in a few weeks. I wanted nothing more than to get together with him and learn more. And I did…

Mitch II

My life turned into something normal, routine, and boring. Aside from my job, I didn’t really do too much. I had an amazing group of friends that I would socialize with, but I always felt like I was hiding. We would go out on the weekends, and I would always be on guard. Did the hot foreign exchange student notice me staring? Was I overcompensating? Did they know? It was all too much…

My conversations with Evan had been diluted to the occasional text message. But believe me…I was always excited to get one. Christmas break was approaching and he would be coming home. This would be Evan’s first trip home since Labor Day. Of course, I was excited to see him. Well…he came home, but I didn’t see him much. He wasn’t returning messages, nor was he sending me any texts. Finally I was able to talk with him. Evan explained that he was busy, tired, and really wasn’t sure when he would have time to come over. He was blowing me off. I guess I understood…

Meanwhile, I had been spending more time with Mitch. It was nothing like my relationship with Evan. Mitch and I were friends…just friends. He and I both participated in the local art community and had several mutual friends through church and school. I was starting to notice another similarity between us. Through our conversations it became clear that both Mitch and I were seeking male companionship. We both expressed our lifelong desire to have a brother. We both shared feelings about our [missing] fathers.

One afternoon Mitch informed me that he was leaving. In less than a month he was planning on moving and taking part in a church-based education program about 8 hours away. Initially I was crushed. But the more he explained the program the more I understood that Mitch needed to go. Our time together was different than with other friends. It is hard for me to describe my friendship with Mitch. We never planned to spend time together, but always seemed to enjoy running into each other around town. I would go out of my way at his place of work just to see him, and he would linger at a local coffee shop waiting for me to walk by on my way to work. It was nice.

The day before he left he called me and wanted to meet for lunch. It was a pretty normal lunch for the two of us. But he was nervous. I just assumed that he was anxious about leaving. As we were walking out of the restaurant he said he had something to tell me, but he wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. I just looked at him...waiting…but he shook it off and changed the subject. My mind was racing! What was he not saying? Was he about to tell me that he was gay? Was he attracted to me? To another guy? I had not told him anything about Evan. It was killing me not knowing, but I didn’t press him for information at all.

I pulled into his driveway, but he didn’t get out of the truck. Since this was the eve of his journey I asked if I could pray with/for him. I did.

“That means more than you know,” he said as I walked him to the door. With that, Mitch hugged me. He had never done that before. This was an incredible hug. His arms were wrapped completely around me in the tightest lock I had ever been in before. With a tear in his eye Mitch walked through the door.

It was only while Mitch was gone that I learned more about him…

More Bitter than Sweet

Evan and I talked almost every day. He would call me between classes, on his way to rehearsals, during football games…but especially at night. I would lie in bed and talk with him until we were both too tired to talk. I loved every phone call.

One Saturday morning Evan called me. I was getting ready to go to a wedding…alone. (I HATE going to weddings alone) I asked him what I should wear, and then lamented that I would be going alone.

“Don’t worry, honey, I’ll sit with you,” he said in a chipper tone. I didn’t know what to say. I just assumed he was kidding, but he continued, “..and wear the orange tie. It's my favorite.” And with that he was off the phone and I was standing in my kitchen in shock.

Nervously I drove to the church and walked in the lobby. Would he be there? And oh my God…there he was. I wish I could have seen my own reaction. I had not expected to see Evan until Christmas, but there he was! On Labor Day weekend! Home!! Of course, we sat next to each other. I didn’t really know how to act. He wasn’t out, and I wasn’t gay (remember?), and our small town would likely stone us if they suspected anything.

We changed after the wedding and headed for a nearby recreation area and lake. Once again we found ourselves on a bench swing holding each for what felt like hours. That is all I wanted to do. I still wasn’t sure if I enjoyed holding him, or being held…it didn’t matter. I believe that we had both found what we were looking for.

We went back to my truck to get away from the bugs. He stretched across the seat in my lap.
“What are we doing?” he asked. I avoided the question. We lingered close, but didn’t kiss. We talked, we laughed...then we kissed. It was amazing. Just like the first time.

“What are we doing?” he asked again. I knew I couldn’t get out of it this time. I told him that as much as I loved what we had become, I couldn’t continue a relationship with him. There were a few reasons: his age, the distance, and the fact that I was just beginning to struggle with my sexuality at a level that scared me to death. It absolutely broke my heart to tell him, but I knew that I had to do it.

He moved back over to his seat and balled up against the door. He dropped my hand. He said he understood, but then continued to blame himself for knowing that he was setting himself up for heartbreak. I felt horrible. Because of what I had said I now had Evan completely breaking down on me…20 miles from home. The drive back was long and quiet. When he left my truck that night I hated to see him go. I had no idea what he was thinking and feeling. For the first time ever…I felt my heart ache. I wanted to follow him. I wanted to make sure he was ok. But I didn’t. Somehow I felt that this was going to bring us closer together...eventually.

Evan called me the next day and we met at the community college. He was better…at least talking to me. It was great to see him smiling. We didn’t touch…we didn’t kiss…we didn’t even flirt. We talked. We set boundaries. All good. We arranged to meet again in the morning before he drove back to school.

We met in the morning. I think I brought him some breakfast. It was fast. Once he was on the road, and I was on my way to work he called me.

“I miss you. I want to hold you. Come back. I should have kissed you. I’m sorry. It's my fault. Wait for me…I’m just not ready yet.” But of course, I didn’t actually say any of that…

No Regrets

Well…the next morning came. I was awake well before my alarm went off. I stared at my phone. Evan was to leave town bound for college in ten minutes. Would he stop by? I had no idea. Honestly I didn’t expect him to stop by. Then it happened…my phone rang. Nervously I looked at my phone…Evan never called me. He was more of a text message guy. Well it wasn’t Evan. It was my boss telling me that I needed to go to the airport for a pick-up. As soon as I got off the phone, I received a text. It was Evan.

“I’ll be there soon. I don’t have much time.”

I replied with a smiley. :) I rushed to the bathroom to at least check my hair, and use some Scope. I walked into the living room just as his car pulled up. He walked in and we sat on the couch…intertwined. We didn’t talk. My arms were around his chest. He arms were on top of mine. Then it happened. I pulled him around to face me and brushed my hand through his hair. We both hesitated…our lips so close…they touched…a teasing brush of the tongue…I pulled away…he pulled me back…intense…mutual…soft and warm…a little nibble on the lip…his taste…his scent…perfection.

“Took you long enough,” he said as we parted.

“Don’t go. Stay here,” I pleaded.

“You know I can’t…”

“Yeah…” And with that we walked to the door. We kissed again. I wanted to be sure that I would remember that taste, that feeling until the next time. There would be a next time.

So there. Good or bad. Right or wrong. We kissed…and I loved it. It was bound to happen. We had both flirted with the idea for the entire summer. Affection – perhaps the best word for our new relationship. I had no idea what was going on in my head. I didn’t’ care. The worst part? There wasn’t anyone I could tell. Not even my closest friends…

Evan had no plans to come home until Christmas. I got ready for work. I walked into my office with my head still spinning. I was thrown the keys to a company van I headed off on my 3.5 hours journey to the airport. Of course, I was on the phone with Evan the entire time…we talked…no regrets.

Evan

His name was Evan. I have no idea when I first met him. Even now when I think back it seems that I have always known Evan. Either through church or school functions Evan and I had several similar activities. School was out, summer had officially started, and Evan was starting to play a large part in my life.

I remember the first time we went out together, just the two of us. Evan wanted to go to a movie in a neighboring town. It was in this seemingly simple act of going to a movie with a friend that my feelings about Evan changed from “what? We’re just friends,” to “omg omg omg omg I’m not sure what the heck is going on!!” The movie: Hairspray. Afterwards we dropped by my favorite coffee shop and I couldn’t help but flirt with Evan. To this point we had never addressed the issues of orientation.

We talked a lot on the drive home. Everything from past relationships to what we are wanted to get out of life. After a moment of silence Evan looked at me and said, “Ok. I’m bi.” While I wasn’t surprised by this, I was surprised at his open and honest admission. It was at this point that I divulged information concerning my past relationship with Ravi.

Evan and I continued meeting. He was doing a community musical and I would just happen to show up at the end of rehearsal and the two of us would spend time together. Mostly we drove around. While this may have seemed like an odd activity, it was a conducive environment for both of us to open up and talk.

Finally I stopped driving and started asking questions. Why me? Why us? What are “we?” After both of us danced around the questions I asked him why he was attracted to men. (I mostly ask this in order to uncover the answer about myself. Remember: “I’m not gay.”) No reply. I turned in my seat and noticed that Evan was balled up in his seat leaning against the door…softly crying. Yeah…my heart broke at the sight. I gently reached over and took his hand in mine, and in the process made silent admissions about myself. Walls came down.

That was a good night. It was the beginning of something new, something special, and something that was about to change my live forever.

Hiding

During that four week break between graduation and the start of my new job I got together with Krista and Britton at a central location. We had a long full day of fun and adventure in the big city. At the end of the evening we all hesitated to say good-bye. We stood awkwardly beside Britton’s truck and completely avoided the fact that we had no idea when the next reunion would be. At a lull in the conversation Krista wrapped her arms around me and Britton and pulled us all in to a great big group hug. I’m sure this must have looked exceptionally odd with Britton being a foot taller than me. (But trust me, I wasn’t complaining.)

There were sniffles all around. I’m pretty sure we were all crying a little. Britton hugged Krista, Krista hugged me, I hugged Krista… Then Britton put both of his hands on my shoulders and spoke words that I will not soon forget. Yeah…I cried…a lot. So did he. Then his arms, his long strong arms wrapped around me. Heaven. It was an intoxicating moment. He pulled away and was unable to even speak. Britton was crying his eyes out. Sobbing, he walked over to his truck and drove away. Krista, still at my side, said, “Its really too bad you boys aren’t gay. You’d be too cute together.”

I awkwardly laughed and offered to drive her across the parking lot to her car. We lingered and talked for a few minutes, but then we too parted. Since then I have not seen Britton. I was unable to attend his wedding, but he did call me on the way to the airport before he left for his honeymoon.

So for that two year period I felt like I was hiding my true self. I felt especially bad about this concerning my relationship with Krista. I had turned her down several times without giving a good explanation. But I was doing what I thought needed to be done.

Just as I thought I had everything under control, something happened that changed my life. Before I even knew what was happening I was in deep. I was on the verge of entering a whole new phase of my life.

Yes. You are right. Josh is about to meet a boy.

My Bromance

Everything was going just great! I was progressing nicely through my second degree, I had a job that paid me to go to church twice a week, and I was becoming more active in community activities that I had dearly missed while I was away at [university].

The only time I every questioned my sexuality was when I saw Britton. (Four days a week) Krista, Britton, and I had formed an oddly tight friendship. Even one of our professors commented that it would be a kinky (yet hot) threesome. (This particular professor was more like a mentor than any sort of educational figure. That being said, he was the best thing to ever happen to me in a classroom) The three of us did everything together. Well….mostly. I tended to not stay too late after class as I had things to do at home. That was my excuse anyway. I was purposely avoiding any excess time with Britton.

That became an issue. Britton thought that I was brushing him off, not wanting to spend time with him, and trying to avoid him. That could not have been farther from the truth. Krista also noticed. She was closer to the truth than she realized. Krista would tell me that I would make a very good gay guy based on my fashion sense, appreciation for the arts, and my ability to pair wine while dining on a budget. She even loved to comment on my relationship with Britton as the cutest bromance she had ever seen.

The summer after I graduated I took four weeks off before starting at my full time job. During those four weeks my life changed. I met someone….

The Art of Disguise

I left [university] and Ravi behind. It was a period of my life that opened doors and asked questions. Questions that scared the hell out of me, and I adored every minute of it. After an unsuccessful job interview in Washington D.C., I returned to the mid-west for the summer. For a variety of reasons, I did not attend graduate school in music or history. Instead, I decided to attend a near-by university to pursue a second undergraduate degree in a science related field.

It was a new school. A new city. A new student body. But the same Josh. I have always fancied myself as a wonderful judge of character. I walked into my classroom to find 25 students that I would spend everyday with for the next two academic years. At first glance I didn’t find anyone that I believed to be “friend-able.” It took me two weeks to hone in and find two individuals that I identified as potential friends. Britton and Krista.

I couldn’t have asked for two better friends. They both lived in the same city as [university] while I was a commuter student driving 45 minutes to school each day. (However, due to a cross of time zones the return trip actually took negative twenty minutes during daylight savings time) At the end of the school day Britton and Krista would often ask me over to one of their apartments for dinner, or a movie. For the most part, I would decline as I needed to return home and at least attempt to put in time at my part-time job.

Krista was a beautiful girl two years my junior. She hailed from upstate and didn’t know anyone in town. While she had a boyfriend who attended another university, she would shamelessly flirt with me. I would flirt in return. Remember, flirting gets Joshy in trouble.

Britton was the same age as I was. He was tall, athletic, and drove a truck. (One of my weaknesses) Britton was truly the “guy’s guy,” and I quickly realized that I was becoming incredibly attracted to him. I recall one day, early in the first semester, when we played a few games of tennis between classes. He pulled off his shirt and my heart nearly stopped at the sight of him in a square-cut wife beater. We walked back to class, depositing our tennis racquets at our cars, and took our seats for the rest of the afternoon. Due to our wonderful fall mid-western heat, Britton remained in his beater. My eyes kept wandering to his arms and across his chest. He had to know. He had to know that I was sitting right next to him checking him out. I was shameless. Fortunately, Krista was sitting on Britton’s other side doing the same thing.

Now, I have never considered myself as flamboyant. I try to come across as straight as possible. This may be one reason why I seem to over-flirt in social situations. But over the course of that first semester, our main professor seemed to identify me as “the gay one.” His comments were always in good fun, and never intended in a negative manner. This professor, Scott, has since become a great friend and mentor within my professional field. But at the time, his comments only continued to reinforce the hidden thoughts that I might actually be gay.

For two years, I never allowed Krista’s flirtations to develop. For two years, I longed for my friendship with Britton to develop into something more. For two years, I never told anyone about my previous relationships. For two years, I never felt like myself.

Parting Words

My last semester at [university] was a complete blur of activity. If finishing classes wasn’t enough, I had the GRE to worry about, grad schools to audition for, and a recital to pull off. Despite a few bumps here and there, I finished my undergraduate education feeling confident about my future.

But on the personal side of things, I had issues. Ravi decided to back off. He actually told me that things would be easier if we had never been friends. At least that is what I could understand through the tears. He had mentioned to me once that “people always leave.” It was true. I was leaving. My post-graduation plans did not include anything in that region. (There was one job interview that was close . . . but it was a long shot)

I refused to dissociate myself with Ravi. While we were spending less time together, our feelings towards each other had not changed. I knew that he had changed my life, and would forever be apart of me.

Christian went home before graduation as he was not graduating that year. I took advantage of the rare opportunity and invited Ravi and Cameron over for a movie. Cam cooked. Ravi picked the movie. And I made sure no one had an empty wine glass. (What? Just three average college guys.) The three of us had a fantastic final weekend together. We all ended up on the couch. I was in the middle. As I covertly reached for Rav’s hand, I felt the warm touch of Cam’s hand on my shoulder. He leaned over and whispered some parting words and walked out with a smile. As Rav received my hand, I turned to watch Cam leave, sending a wink our way as he closed the door.

My night with Rav was comparatively uneventful. Nothing happened. We didn’t need anything to happen the night before I left. In the morning, I awoke only to see him staring at me.

“You’re a beautiful sleeper,” he said pulling me closer.

“I’m not leaving you.” I stared back at him.

“You have to go. Its ok. Josh, I still don’t get us. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean…are we….I don’t know….its just that…”

“…Rav. I love you too.”

He smiled and pulled me into our last kiss.

That afternoon I walked across the stage and left [university] behind. I was well prepared to enter the workforce, or grad school. (I had not yet committed to a school) As I through the chapel parking lot with my family, I saw Ravi walking by the duck pond. He smiled and waved.

“Was that Ravi?” my mom asked. “Why didn’t he come and say good-bye?”

With a smile on my face I looked toward the duck pond and said, “He already did.”