New Beginnings

The day that changed everything started out just like any other day. Well…not exactly. It was a crazy busy day. I was off of work, but that only gave me time to work at a local fall festival as the emcee for the day. The fall festival is a pretty big deal in my small town. Everyone shows up.

As I was tearing down my area at the end of the day I was surprised by a friend. Courtney, home from college for the weekend, nearly scared me to death when she gave me an attack-hug from behind. She was a close friend of Evan’s, but to my knowledge didn’t know anything about my relationship with him. It was great to see Courtney and catch up with her. While we were talking, Mitch sauntered around the corner. Of course, I broke into a huge smile. He walked over and greeted Courtney and then wrapped me in his arms. He looked too thin, hopelessly sad, and burdened with an unknown secret. I didn’t ask. He didn’t tell.

The three of us stood there talking for a long time. Mitch was constantly looking around or at his phone. Then I figured out why. A car pulled stopped near us and a guy stepped out and started walking towards us. As this guy got closer Mitch closed-up. He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step back from Courtney and me. Mitch introduced us to Jason…his friend from school. My first thought was that this was NOT the guy from Mitch’s blog…unless he changed his name. Jason was a creep. We walked over to the edge of the stage and sat. Jason was being verbally abusive to Mitch and touching him in ways that no friend should. Courtney and I shot glances at each other every time. While Mitch had never disclosed his sexuality, Jason was almost too flamboyant about it. He was even wearing a rainbow belt.

I was nowhere near being finished talking with Mitch. He told us he had to go, but his eyes told me he didn’t want to leave. I never felt so helpless… I watched Mitch and Jason leave. Mitch was so passive…head down, no eye contact. I wanted to punch this Jason character.

That evening there was a Blue’s Festival on the street in front of the local bars. I wasn’t usually a fan of such events, but I decided to go. Courtney was working at one of the bars and I wanted to keep visiting with her. It was that night that I told her everything about Evan and my relationship with him. This was the first time that I ever told anyone about my attraction to men. She had no idea that Evan and I had been together. In a way I was relieved that it wasn’t too obvious.

The more I talked, the more I felt okay with being gay. (Even though that wasn’t a word that I used to identify myself) Courtney was very supportive. We also talked about Mitch. Neither of us knew enough about him to speculate about this new guy he brought home. I didn’t see Mitch again before he left. I needed to know more about him…

The weekend ended and Courtney returned to school. We continued to talk and spend time together whenever she was home. I loved having someone who I didn’t have to hide from. I was being completely honest for the first time in my life. I felt fantastic!

No Regrets

Well…the next morning came. I was awake well before my alarm went off. I stared at my phone. Evan was to leave town bound for college in ten minutes. Would he stop by? I had no idea. Honestly I didn’t expect him to stop by. Then it happened…my phone rang. Nervously I looked at my phone…Evan never called me. He was more of a text message guy. Well it wasn’t Evan. It was my boss telling me that I needed to go to the airport for a pick-up. As soon as I got off the phone, I received a text. It was Evan.

“I’ll be there soon. I don’t have much time.”

I replied with a smiley. :) I rushed to the bathroom to at least check my hair, and use some Scope. I walked into the living room just as his car pulled up. He walked in and we sat on the couch…intertwined. We didn’t talk. My arms were around his chest. He arms were on top of mine. Then it happened. I pulled him around to face me and brushed my hand through his hair. We both hesitated…our lips so close…they touched…a teasing brush of the tongue…I pulled away…he pulled me back…intense…mutual…soft and warm…a little nibble on the lip…his taste…his scent…perfection.

“Took you long enough,” he said as we parted.

“Don’t go. Stay here,” I pleaded.

“You know I can’t…”

“Yeah…” And with that we walked to the door. We kissed again. I wanted to be sure that I would remember that taste, that feeling until the next time. There would be a next time.

So there. Good or bad. Right or wrong. We kissed…and I loved it. It was bound to happen. We had both flirted with the idea for the entire summer. Affection – perhaps the best word for our new relationship. I had no idea what was going on in my head. I didn’t’ care. The worst part? There wasn’t anyone I could tell. Not even my closest friends…

Evan had no plans to come home until Christmas. I got ready for work. I walked into my office with my head still spinning. I was thrown the keys to a company van I headed off on my 3.5 hours journey to the airport. Of course, I was on the phone with Evan the entire time…we talked…no regrets.

So Close...

My evening rendezvous with Evan continued. We drove to all the usual “make-out” locations, but nothing ever happened. One evening, near the local community college baseball field, we parked. Sitting on the tail gate of my truck I told him about my dad, my feelings about being gay, and ultimately my attraction towards him.

“The first time is always the hardest,” he said looking toward the horizon. I must have given him a strange look, because he looked at me and continued with, “Kissing…the first kiss is always the hardest.”

“I can’t kiss you,” I said. “I want to, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”

I didn't have an answer. And with that, we sat in silence for a few more minutes before I took him back to his car. Nothing happened. We parted and I watched him drive away.

A few more summer nights of the same routine, and still we hadn’t kissed. It was me. I was the one not kissing him. I wanted to. Oh God how I wanted to. But in doing so I was terrified at what I would be admitting to myself….

On Evan’s last night at home before leaving for an out of state college, we traveled to a near by recreation area and lake. We found a bench swing near the shore and became intertwined. I held him, our hands together. I felt every breath. Heaven. We didn’t talk much. For the first time my hands slipped under his shirt. The feeling…ecstasy. My attraction for Evan was unavoidable. I could no longer deny my own feelings. Just as I was working the courage to kiss him, we were interrupted. (The park was well past closed, and we both feared being ’caught.’) A false alarm….

On the drive back home I told Evan that I could not be in a relationship with him. First off, he was leaving to go start a new chapter in his life. Second, Evan was 6 years my junior. Excuses, I know. There seemed to be a mutual understanding. When we reached his car I didn’t want him to leave. I wished Evan the best of luck and safe travels before he left me.

He couldn’t have been a block away before I was following him home. I called him and told him to pull over. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to loose him. The only thing I wanted was to hold him in my arms for as long as I could. On the side of the road not far from his rural home I did just that. I held Evan closer than I ever had before. My fingers tangled his blond hair. I gazed into his blue eyes. Frightened and terrified, I told him that my affection for him was scaring me to death. Evan placed his hand on my chest…I was certain that my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

“Can I see you tomorrow,” I asked, “maybe on your way out of town?” I waited for the answer.

“I’ll try. I’ll call you in the morning.” He waited. I knew what he was waiting for… Evan embraced me and drove into the darkness.

My drive back into town sucked. I was crying too hard to see the road. I pulled over twice and sobbed. Never had I felt so complete while at the same time feeling so conflicted. Everything that I had experienced with Evan pushed me into a new level of understanding. So there. What the hell was I supposed to do? There I was: a nice, wholesome, Christian boy from the mid-west…..and I was in love…with a boy.

My Bromance

Everything was going just great! I was progressing nicely through my second degree, I had a job that paid me to go to church twice a week, and I was becoming more active in community activities that I had dearly missed while I was away at [university].

The only time I every questioned my sexuality was when I saw Britton. (Four days a week) Krista, Britton, and I had formed an oddly tight friendship. Even one of our professors commented that it would be a kinky (yet hot) threesome. (This particular professor was more like a mentor than any sort of educational figure. That being said, he was the best thing to ever happen to me in a classroom) The three of us did everything together. Well….mostly. I tended to not stay too late after class as I had things to do at home. That was my excuse anyway. I was purposely avoiding any excess time with Britton.

That became an issue. Britton thought that I was brushing him off, not wanting to spend time with him, and trying to avoid him. That could not have been farther from the truth. Krista also noticed. She was closer to the truth than she realized. Krista would tell me that I would make a very good gay guy based on my fashion sense, appreciation for the arts, and my ability to pair wine while dining on a budget. She even loved to comment on my relationship with Britton as the cutest bromance she had ever seen.

The summer after I graduated I took four weeks off before starting at my full time job. During those four weeks my life changed. I met someone….

The Art of Disguise

I left [university] and Ravi behind. It was a period of my life that opened doors and asked questions. Questions that scared the hell out of me, and I adored every minute of it. After an unsuccessful job interview in Washington D.C., I returned to the mid-west for the summer. For a variety of reasons, I did not attend graduate school in music or history. Instead, I decided to attend a near-by university to pursue a second undergraduate degree in a science related field.

It was a new school. A new city. A new student body. But the same Josh. I have always fancied myself as a wonderful judge of character. I walked into my classroom to find 25 students that I would spend everyday with for the next two academic years. At first glance I didn’t find anyone that I believed to be “friend-able.” It took me two weeks to hone in and find two individuals that I identified as potential friends. Britton and Krista.

I couldn’t have asked for two better friends. They both lived in the same city as [university] while I was a commuter student driving 45 minutes to school each day. (However, due to a cross of time zones the return trip actually took negative twenty minutes during daylight savings time) At the end of the school day Britton and Krista would often ask me over to one of their apartments for dinner, or a movie. For the most part, I would decline as I needed to return home and at least attempt to put in time at my part-time job.

Krista was a beautiful girl two years my junior. She hailed from upstate and didn’t know anyone in town. While she had a boyfriend who attended another university, she would shamelessly flirt with me. I would flirt in return. Remember, flirting gets Joshy in trouble.

Britton was the same age as I was. He was tall, athletic, and drove a truck. (One of my weaknesses) Britton was truly the “guy’s guy,” and I quickly realized that I was becoming incredibly attracted to him. I recall one day, early in the first semester, when we played a few games of tennis between classes. He pulled off his shirt and my heart nearly stopped at the sight of him in a square-cut wife beater. We walked back to class, depositing our tennis racquets at our cars, and took our seats for the rest of the afternoon. Due to our wonderful fall mid-western heat, Britton remained in his beater. My eyes kept wandering to his arms and across his chest. He had to know. He had to know that I was sitting right next to him checking him out. I was shameless. Fortunately, Krista was sitting on Britton’s other side doing the same thing.

Now, I have never considered myself as flamboyant. I try to come across as straight as possible. This may be one reason why I seem to over-flirt in social situations. But over the course of that first semester, our main professor seemed to identify me as “the gay one.” His comments were always in good fun, and never intended in a negative manner. This professor, Scott, has since become a great friend and mentor within my professional field. But at the time, his comments only continued to reinforce the hidden thoughts that I might actually be gay.

For two years, I never allowed Krista’s flirtations to develop. For two years, I longed for my friendship with Britton to develop into something more. For two years, I never told anyone about my previous relationships. For two years, I never felt like myself.

Parting Words

My last semester at [university] was a complete blur of activity. If finishing classes wasn’t enough, I had the GRE to worry about, grad schools to audition for, and a recital to pull off. Despite a few bumps here and there, I finished my undergraduate education feeling confident about my future.

But on the personal side of things, I had issues. Ravi decided to back off. He actually told me that things would be easier if we had never been friends. At least that is what I could understand through the tears. He had mentioned to me once that “people always leave.” It was true. I was leaving. My post-graduation plans did not include anything in that region. (There was one job interview that was close . . . but it was a long shot)

I refused to dissociate myself with Ravi. While we were spending less time together, our feelings towards each other had not changed. I knew that he had changed my life, and would forever be apart of me.

Christian went home before graduation as he was not graduating that year. I took advantage of the rare opportunity and invited Ravi and Cameron over for a movie. Cam cooked. Ravi picked the movie. And I made sure no one had an empty wine glass. (What? Just three average college guys.) The three of us had a fantastic final weekend together. We all ended up on the couch. I was in the middle. As I covertly reached for Rav’s hand, I felt the warm touch of Cam’s hand on my shoulder. He leaned over and whispered some parting words and walked out with a smile. As Rav received my hand, I turned to watch Cam leave, sending a wink our way as he closed the door.

My night with Rav was comparatively uneventful. Nothing happened. We didn’t need anything to happen the night before I left. In the morning, I awoke only to see him staring at me.

“You’re a beautiful sleeper,” he said pulling me closer.

“I’m not leaving you.” I stared back at him.

“You have to go. Its ok. Josh, I still don’t get us. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean…are we….I don’t know….its just that…”

“…Rav. I love you too.”

He smiled and pulled me into our last kiss.

That afternoon I walked across the stage and left [university] behind. I was well prepared to enter the workforce, or grad school. (I had not yet committed to a school) As I through the chapel parking lot with my family, I saw Ravi walking by the duck pond. He smiled and waved.

“Was that Ravi?” my mom asked. “Why didn’t he come and say good-bye?”

With a smile on my face I looked toward the duck pond and said, “He already did.”

When in Rome

The trip to Italy was fantastic. I missed Ravi everyday. During our first night there, the tsunami of 2004 hit Indonesia. When saw the news I immediately thought of Ravi. His parents and brother had traveled home to Indonesia for Christmas. I grabbed Cameron and through the use of an Italian phrase book we were able to figure out how to access the lobby computer. I logged in to AIM and we relieved to see that Ravi was on-line. Bad news: he had not been able to contact his parents. Our hearts chilled, Cam started to cry. (He was a crier. Only adding to his charm) Ravi promised to keep us posted, and we checked in as often as we could. It wasn’t until the next day that he heard the good news that his family was safe.

In each town, I shared a room with the assistant director and the director’s son, Mark. Mark was a few years younger than I was. Incredibly hot. A few times during the trip I had to say, “Stop it. Get off of me. You’re 17.”

I stuck pretty close to Cam during the trip. We were both missing our best friend. I brought Cam up to speed on my relationship with Ravi. He was shocked. He had no idea what had been going on between the two of us. Christian was also on the trip. Since I was in charge of room assignments (student director’s privilege), I made sure that Christian was no where near me. In fact, I roomed him with people that I knew he didn’t get along with very well. (pay back is a bitch)

So, I was becoming more accepting of my feeling for Ravi. Gay still wasn’t something that I could say. I “thought it was wrong.” Despite my thoughts, I still managed to fall asleep with Cam for about an hour on a lazy afternoon in Florence. We never talked about it.