New Beginnings

The day that changed everything started out just like any other day. Well…not exactly. It was a crazy busy day. I was off of work, but that only gave me time to work at a local fall festival as the emcee for the day. The fall festival is a pretty big deal in my small town. Everyone shows up.

As I was tearing down my area at the end of the day I was surprised by a friend. Courtney, home from college for the weekend, nearly scared me to death when she gave me an attack-hug from behind. She was a close friend of Evan’s, but to my knowledge didn’t know anything about my relationship with him. It was great to see Courtney and catch up with her. While we were talking, Mitch sauntered around the corner. Of course, I broke into a huge smile. He walked over and greeted Courtney and then wrapped me in his arms. He looked too thin, hopelessly sad, and burdened with an unknown secret. I didn’t ask. He didn’t tell.

The three of us stood there talking for a long time. Mitch was constantly looking around or at his phone. Then I figured out why. A car pulled stopped near us and a guy stepped out and started walking towards us. As this guy got closer Mitch closed-up. He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step back from Courtney and me. Mitch introduced us to Jason…his friend from school. My first thought was that this was NOT the guy from Mitch’s blog…unless he changed his name. Jason was a creep. We walked over to the edge of the stage and sat. Jason was being verbally abusive to Mitch and touching him in ways that no friend should. Courtney and I shot glances at each other every time. While Mitch had never disclosed his sexuality, Jason was almost too flamboyant about it. He was even wearing a rainbow belt.

I was nowhere near being finished talking with Mitch. He told us he had to go, but his eyes told me he didn’t want to leave. I never felt so helpless… I watched Mitch and Jason leave. Mitch was so passive…head down, no eye contact. I wanted to punch this Jason character.

That evening there was a Blue’s Festival on the street in front of the local bars. I wasn’t usually a fan of such events, but I decided to go. Courtney was working at one of the bars and I wanted to keep visiting with her. It was that night that I told her everything about Evan and my relationship with him. This was the first time that I ever told anyone about my attraction to men. She had no idea that Evan and I had been together. In a way I was relieved that it wasn’t too obvious.

The more I talked, the more I felt okay with being gay. (Even though that wasn’t a word that I used to identify myself) Courtney was very supportive. We also talked about Mitch. Neither of us knew enough about him to speculate about this new guy he brought home. I didn’t see Mitch again before he left. I needed to know more about him…

The weekend ended and Courtney returned to school. We continued to talk and spend time together whenever she was home. I loved having someone who I didn’t have to hide from. I was being completely honest for the first time in my life. I felt fantastic!

A Banana Problem

So Mitch left. As quickly as he entered my life, he was gone. None of the mysteries surrounding him were solved. Before he left, Mitch started a blog to share his new life with all of us back home. This was the only connection I had with him. I checked everyday to see if he had posted anything new. He didn’t post as frequently as I had hoped, but each post was an amazing slice of his new life. I would comment, and Mitch would reply. Slowly we increased our conversations, and even started calling each other. I’ll never forget one phone call that took place on a snowy Sunday afternoon.

He had a concerned tone in his voice and mentioned that he had a problem. Of course, I offered to help anyway I could. He took a deep breath and slowly started telling me his problem. He was standing in his kitchen, and had no idea how to keep the bananas from floating to the top of his Jell-O. THIS was the biggest problem in Mitch’s life and I adored the fact that he called ME to help him figure it out. I had no idea how…

Over several blog posts he had mentioned a new friend…Peter. They seemed to be spending a lot of time together. One post grabbed my attention. The following has been taken directly from Mitch’s blog:

“Today, we were at my apartment, sitting on my couch, I was wrapped in Peter’s arms in the way an older brother loves on his little brother, worship music on softly as God once more took control, Josh began praying over me…..over us …….three days ago I had been praying for Him to open my eyes to the love around me… ……. my eyes closed ……I had to listen to see it……
…………….we were breathing the same breaths….the same rhythm……..synchronized heart beats………….and I saw an image of us two, sitting as we were, strings from my heart connecting to his…..and the strings from his heart connecting to mine….”

I read it over and over again. I wanted to be Peter! I wanted to be the one holding Mitch! What was Mitch saying? I was experiencing jealousy. Before he left, did Mitch want to tell me that he was gay? Why hadn’t he told me?

Mitch mentioned in this blog that being close to Peter made him feel closer to God. That is exactly what I felt when I was with Evan! Mitch was going to be home in a few weeks. I wanted nothing more than to get together with him and learn more. And I did…

Role of a Lifetime

September turned to October and Evan was back at school. Our phone calls gradually tapered off to only once or twice a week. Then…they stopped completely. I know, I could have called him…but I didn’t. I felt like I was intruding on Evan’s life. Who was I to think that he needed me as much as I needed him? After all, I’m the one who pushed him away; I’m the one who told him I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

My fall continued. One evening I was on my way back from a rehearsal when I received a call from a friend/colleague. Carol was a musician with the same orchestra I was singing with. I didn’t realize that she had been behind me for most of the drive home. She suggested that we meet at a local bar where some of our friends had already gathered.

After a few drinks everyone was ready to leave...but I wasn’t. Carol seemed interested in another round as well. The bar was empty. It was just me and Carol and the two gals behind the counter. She didn’t waste any time. Carol just straight up asked me if I was involved with Evan. (She also knew him) I couldn’t lie. Carol and I were pretty good friends. If I could tell anyone, I knew it was her. In fact, just the week before I practically begged her to ask me. While she wasn’t exactly shocked, she was stunned that I admitted to it.

The conversation turned towards homosexuality in general. Is it a choice? If so, why make that choice? I just started talking, and she listened. Carol allowed me to share my life story and she didn’t judge me. It was really an amazing moment of self analyzing. I came to the conclusion that I was looking for something and Evan had what I needed. But I didn’t know what that was. (So really, not much was accomplished) I kissed him, and it felt right. I held him, and I was in heaven. I questioned what we were, and felt closer to God. I know that I have always sought male companionship in my life. Mostly I have always wanted a brother…an older brother.

I thought it was just a one time thing…Evan. Surely I wouldn’t fall for another guy. Just as soon as I was starting to put Evan behind me…just as soon as I was ready to not be gay anymore…



(Enter Mitch…fade to black)

More Bitter than Sweet

Evan and I talked almost every day. He would call me between classes, on his way to rehearsals, during football games…but especially at night. I would lie in bed and talk with him until we were both too tired to talk. I loved every phone call.

One Saturday morning Evan called me. I was getting ready to go to a wedding…alone. (I HATE going to weddings alone) I asked him what I should wear, and then lamented that I would be going alone.

“Don’t worry, honey, I’ll sit with you,” he said in a chipper tone. I didn’t know what to say. I just assumed he was kidding, but he continued, “..and wear the orange tie. It's my favorite.” And with that he was off the phone and I was standing in my kitchen in shock.

Nervously I drove to the church and walked in the lobby. Would he be there? And oh my God…there he was. I wish I could have seen my own reaction. I had not expected to see Evan until Christmas, but there he was! On Labor Day weekend! Home!! Of course, we sat next to each other. I didn’t really know how to act. He wasn’t out, and I wasn’t gay (remember?), and our small town would likely stone us if they suspected anything.

We changed after the wedding and headed for a nearby recreation area and lake. Once again we found ourselves on a bench swing holding each for what felt like hours. That is all I wanted to do. I still wasn’t sure if I enjoyed holding him, or being held…it didn’t matter. I believe that we had both found what we were looking for.

We went back to my truck to get away from the bugs. He stretched across the seat in my lap.
“What are we doing?” he asked. I avoided the question. We lingered close, but didn’t kiss. We talked, we laughed...then we kissed. It was amazing. Just like the first time.

“What are we doing?” he asked again. I knew I couldn’t get out of it this time. I told him that as much as I loved what we had become, I couldn’t continue a relationship with him. There were a few reasons: his age, the distance, and the fact that I was just beginning to struggle with my sexuality at a level that scared me to death. It absolutely broke my heart to tell him, but I knew that I had to do it.

He moved back over to his seat and balled up against the door. He dropped my hand. He said he understood, but then continued to blame himself for knowing that he was setting himself up for heartbreak. I felt horrible. Because of what I had said I now had Evan completely breaking down on me…20 miles from home. The drive back was long and quiet. When he left my truck that night I hated to see him go. I had no idea what he was thinking and feeling. For the first time ever…I felt my heart ache. I wanted to follow him. I wanted to make sure he was ok. But I didn’t. Somehow I felt that this was going to bring us closer together...eventually.

Evan called me the next day and we met at the community college. He was better…at least talking to me. It was great to see him smiling. We didn’t touch…we didn’t kiss…we didn’t even flirt. We talked. We set boundaries. All good. We arranged to meet again in the morning before he drove back to school.

We met in the morning. I think I brought him some breakfast. It was fast. Once he was on the road, and I was on my way to work he called me.

“I miss you. I want to hold you. Come back. I should have kissed you. I’m sorry. It's my fault. Wait for me…I’m just not ready yet.” But of course, I didn’t actually say any of that…

Evan

His name was Evan. I have no idea when I first met him. Even now when I think back it seems that I have always known Evan. Either through church or school functions Evan and I had several similar activities. School was out, summer had officially started, and Evan was starting to play a large part in my life.

I remember the first time we went out together, just the two of us. Evan wanted to go to a movie in a neighboring town. It was in this seemingly simple act of going to a movie with a friend that my feelings about Evan changed from “what? We’re just friends,” to “omg omg omg omg I’m not sure what the heck is going on!!” The movie: Hairspray. Afterwards we dropped by my favorite coffee shop and I couldn’t help but flirt with Evan. To this point we had never addressed the issues of orientation.

We talked a lot on the drive home. Everything from past relationships to what we are wanted to get out of life. After a moment of silence Evan looked at me and said, “Ok. I’m bi.” While I wasn’t surprised by this, I was surprised at his open and honest admission. It was at this point that I divulged information concerning my past relationship with Ravi.

Evan and I continued meeting. He was doing a community musical and I would just happen to show up at the end of rehearsal and the two of us would spend time together. Mostly we drove around. While this may have seemed like an odd activity, it was a conducive environment for both of us to open up and talk.

Finally I stopped driving and started asking questions. Why me? Why us? What are “we?” After both of us danced around the questions I asked him why he was attracted to men. (I mostly ask this in order to uncover the answer about myself. Remember: “I’m not gay.”) No reply. I turned in my seat and noticed that Evan was balled up in his seat leaning against the door…softly crying. Yeah…my heart broke at the sight. I gently reached over and took his hand in mine, and in the process made silent admissions about myself. Walls came down.

That was a good night. It was the beginning of something new, something special, and something that was about to change my live forever.

The Art of Disguise

I left [university] and Ravi behind. It was a period of my life that opened doors and asked questions. Questions that scared the hell out of me, and I adored every minute of it. After an unsuccessful job interview in Washington D.C., I returned to the mid-west for the summer. For a variety of reasons, I did not attend graduate school in music or history. Instead, I decided to attend a near-by university to pursue a second undergraduate degree in a science related field.

It was a new school. A new city. A new student body. But the same Josh. I have always fancied myself as a wonderful judge of character. I walked into my classroom to find 25 students that I would spend everyday with for the next two academic years. At first glance I didn’t find anyone that I believed to be “friend-able.” It took me two weeks to hone in and find two individuals that I identified as potential friends. Britton and Krista.

I couldn’t have asked for two better friends. They both lived in the same city as [university] while I was a commuter student driving 45 minutes to school each day. (However, due to a cross of time zones the return trip actually took negative twenty minutes during daylight savings time) At the end of the school day Britton and Krista would often ask me over to one of their apartments for dinner, or a movie. For the most part, I would decline as I needed to return home and at least attempt to put in time at my part-time job.

Krista was a beautiful girl two years my junior. She hailed from upstate and didn’t know anyone in town. While she had a boyfriend who attended another university, she would shamelessly flirt with me. I would flirt in return. Remember, flirting gets Joshy in trouble.

Britton was the same age as I was. He was tall, athletic, and drove a truck. (One of my weaknesses) Britton was truly the “guy’s guy,” and I quickly realized that I was becoming incredibly attracted to him. I recall one day, early in the first semester, when we played a few games of tennis between classes. He pulled off his shirt and my heart nearly stopped at the sight of him in a square-cut wife beater. We walked back to class, depositing our tennis racquets at our cars, and took our seats for the rest of the afternoon. Due to our wonderful fall mid-western heat, Britton remained in his beater. My eyes kept wandering to his arms and across his chest. He had to know. He had to know that I was sitting right next to him checking him out. I was shameless. Fortunately, Krista was sitting on Britton’s other side doing the same thing.

Now, I have never considered myself as flamboyant. I try to come across as straight as possible. This may be one reason why I seem to over-flirt in social situations. But over the course of that first semester, our main professor seemed to identify me as “the gay one.” His comments were always in good fun, and never intended in a negative manner. This professor, Scott, has since become a great friend and mentor within my professional field. But at the time, his comments only continued to reinforce the hidden thoughts that I might actually be gay.

For two years, I never allowed Krista’s flirtations to develop. For two years, I longed for my friendship with Britton to develop into something more. For two years, I never told anyone about my previous relationships. For two years, I never felt like myself.

Parting Words

My last semester at [university] was a complete blur of activity. If finishing classes wasn’t enough, I had the GRE to worry about, grad schools to audition for, and a recital to pull off. Despite a few bumps here and there, I finished my undergraduate education feeling confident about my future.

But on the personal side of things, I had issues. Ravi decided to back off. He actually told me that things would be easier if we had never been friends. At least that is what I could understand through the tears. He had mentioned to me once that “people always leave.” It was true. I was leaving. My post-graduation plans did not include anything in that region. (There was one job interview that was close . . . but it was a long shot)

I refused to dissociate myself with Ravi. While we were spending less time together, our feelings towards each other had not changed. I knew that he had changed my life, and would forever be apart of me.

Christian went home before graduation as he was not graduating that year. I took advantage of the rare opportunity and invited Ravi and Cameron over for a movie. Cam cooked. Ravi picked the movie. And I made sure no one had an empty wine glass. (What? Just three average college guys.) The three of us had a fantastic final weekend together. We all ended up on the couch. I was in the middle. As I covertly reached for Rav’s hand, I felt the warm touch of Cam’s hand on my shoulder. He leaned over and whispered some parting words and walked out with a smile. As Rav received my hand, I turned to watch Cam leave, sending a wink our way as he closed the door.

My night with Rav was comparatively uneventful. Nothing happened. We didn’t need anything to happen the night before I left. In the morning, I awoke only to see him staring at me.

“You’re a beautiful sleeper,” he said pulling me closer.

“I’m not leaving you.” I stared back at him.

“You have to go. Its ok. Josh, I still don’t get us. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean…are we….I don’t know….its just that…”

“…Rav. I love you too.”

He smiled and pulled me into our last kiss.

That afternoon I walked across the stage and left [university] behind. I was well prepared to enter the workforce, or grad school. (I had not yet committed to a school) As I through the chapel parking lot with my family, I saw Ravi walking by the duck pond. He smiled and waved.

“Was that Ravi?” my mom asked. “Why didn’t he come and say good-bye?”

With a smile on my face I looked toward the duck pond and said, “He already did.”

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I don’t want to make it sound like Ravi and I spent hours upon hours with each other everyday. It was very much the opposite. But every second of time I spent with him was a second spent in ecstasy. He and I had two very different circles of friends. For starters, Christian hated Ravi with a passion. This, of course, fueled me to spend as much time with Ravi as I could.

One Saturday morning I was laying in my bed…avoiding getting up. Christian was across the room doing the same. There was a knock on the door. My bed was on the door side of the room, so I reached up and opened it. Ravi stood, leaning against the door frame looking gorgeous. Through my half-awake squinting eyes his coffee colored skin gleamed in the light streaming through the hallway window.

“Let’s go into town. I’ll meet you outside in 20.” And with that he leaned down and kissed me. Paying no attention to Christian, now sitting up on his bed, Ravi walked out.

Saying nothing to Christian, not even looking at Christian, I walked across the hall to take a quick shower. I dressed in silence. As I was walking out of the door Christian said under his breath, but intended for my ear,

“Have fun with your boyfriend, faggot.”

Shocked…I paused briefly…and walked outside to meet Rav.

Our trip into town took us to the usual places. First stop, the coffee shop across from the park.

Ravi sipped his coffee and asked, “Josh, what is bothering you. You aren’t acting yourself?”

“Christian. He is just being a jerk.”

“I have a feeling he doesn’t like me very much.”

“Yeah…well…you’re right. But I don’t like him myself right now.”

That is all that was said about Christian. We finished out the morning by going to Target, and the grocery store. Since I was driving, and I wanted to prolong my company as long as I could, I decided to take the long way back to campus. I avoided the interstate and took a very scenic road through the foothills.

Ravi reached to adjust the radio. His hand lingered. Instead of returning to his side of the car, Ravi reached over and placed his hand on my leg. Of course, I stopped breathing. He didn’t stop. He was removing my belt, and sliding his hand under my jeans.

Neither of us spoke. I continued to drive. He withdrew.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Just felt right.”

I pulled into the parking lot half way between his house and mine. We made plans to go to a dance that evening with some friends. (Give me some credit; this was a sanctioned USA Dance ballroom event. Ravi was an extremely gifted dancer, and I wasn’t about to miss it.)

We never spoke about what happened. It was like the event on the drive back to school never happened. But we both knew it did. I was discovering a trend with Ravi. Every moment of physical interaction between the two of us was always initiated by him. Always. I wasn’t complaining.

Right?

Through a series of emails and a few phone calls, things were patched up with Christian over the summer. I spent the summer before my junior year doing the normal kid-home-from-college stuff. I worked the same two summer jobs that I had been working since high school, and I spend time with my friends from high school.

We have since started referring to ourselves as “The group.” Most of us attended different colleges, but we always maintained a close relationship. This before facebook! As the summer neared an end, it was obvious that we were all ready to return to college, to our friends, and to campus life!

Being a member of the college choir, I had to report to campus a few days before the majority of returning students in order to participate in formal college functions that required the presence of the choir. My parents and I generally took two days to drive out there…taking our time and spending time in some favorite locations along the way.

I pulled in front of our house and saw Christian’s car sitting in the lot across the street. It was the only other car there. The rest of the guys in the house wouldn’t be there for a few days. A few neighbors were back, but not too many people at all. I had never seen the room we were going to live in. I had lived next door the previous year in a similar house and just assumed the rooms would be nearly alike.

I walked in the room and found Christian’s “half” of the room to be already set-up. He didn’t leave me much room to work with. Are you ready for the creepy part? There were pictures of the two of us ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! I was not pleased. I had pledged into the same fraternity as Christian the year before. Most of the pictures were of Fraternity functions . . . but they had been doctored. He wasn’t that good at photo-shopping his head on to other people.

Shaking my head, I left the room and headed to the music department for rehearsal. As I entered the building I ran into Ravi. We embraced. We slid into a practice room where he placed his hands on my face and kissed me…lightly. This wasn’t a romantic kiss. This was a kiss that expressed how much he missed me over the summer…and I him. Right?

“What was that?” I asked.
“I’ve missed you,” he replied.

And with that, we walked into the rehearsal room. My head was spinning. A guy just kissed me! An extremely attractive guy just kissed me! Rehearsal ended and we all started making plans for the evening. Christian finally talked to me and asked if the room was ok. I lied, and said it looked great. As Christian started telling me of the plans that he had for us that night, Ravi walked behind me and took my hand as he passed. Of course, I knew that was a signal. Flustered for words, I told Christian that I would be staying with my parents that night at the B&B. Not completely a lie, I had dinner with my parents before returning to campus to stay with Ravi that night.

I entered his room to find him unpacking some books and whatnot. He turned, pinned me against the door, and bound me in the tightest, most passionate hug I had ever experienced. The night was late, and we had both traveled far that day…so we went straight to his bed. We laid there watching a movie. I got up to change into something more comfortable. I turned around to find Ravi in noting but a pair of shorts. With nothing but the glow of a muted television to light the way, we returned to bed. He put his arms around me, our legs tangled. His lean dancer’s build shivered for a few minutes under the cold sheets…I held him closer.

The only thing going through my head was, “I’m not gay. Right?”