Role of a Lifetime

September turned to October and Evan was back at school. Our phone calls gradually tapered off to only once or twice a week. Then…they stopped completely. I know, I could have called him…but I didn’t. I felt like I was intruding on Evan’s life. Who was I to think that he needed me as much as I needed him? After all, I’m the one who pushed him away; I’m the one who told him I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

My fall continued. One evening I was on my way back from a rehearsal when I received a call from a friend/colleague. Carol was a musician with the same orchestra I was singing with. I didn’t realize that she had been behind me for most of the drive home. She suggested that we meet at a local bar where some of our friends had already gathered.

After a few drinks everyone was ready to leave...but I wasn’t. Carol seemed interested in another round as well. The bar was empty. It was just me and Carol and the two gals behind the counter. She didn’t waste any time. Carol just straight up asked me if I was involved with Evan. (She also knew him) I couldn’t lie. Carol and I were pretty good friends. If I could tell anyone, I knew it was her. In fact, just the week before I practically begged her to ask me. While she wasn’t exactly shocked, she was stunned that I admitted to it.

The conversation turned towards homosexuality in general. Is it a choice? If so, why make that choice? I just started talking, and she listened. Carol allowed me to share my life story and she didn’t judge me. It was really an amazing moment of self analyzing. I came to the conclusion that I was looking for something and Evan had what I needed. But I didn’t know what that was. (So really, not much was accomplished) I kissed him, and it felt right. I held him, and I was in heaven. I questioned what we were, and felt closer to God. I know that I have always sought male companionship in my life. Mostly I have always wanted a brother…an older brother.

I thought it was just a one time thing…Evan. Surely I wouldn’t fall for another guy. Just as soon as I was starting to put Evan behind me…just as soon as I was ready to not be gay anymore…



(Enter Mitch…fade to black)

No Regrets

Well…the next morning came. I was awake well before my alarm went off. I stared at my phone. Evan was to leave town bound for college in ten minutes. Would he stop by? I had no idea. Honestly I didn’t expect him to stop by. Then it happened…my phone rang. Nervously I looked at my phone…Evan never called me. He was more of a text message guy. Well it wasn’t Evan. It was my boss telling me that I needed to go to the airport for a pick-up. As soon as I got off the phone, I received a text. It was Evan.

“I’ll be there soon. I don’t have much time.”

I replied with a smiley. :) I rushed to the bathroom to at least check my hair, and use some Scope. I walked into the living room just as his car pulled up. He walked in and we sat on the couch…intertwined. We didn’t talk. My arms were around his chest. He arms were on top of mine. Then it happened. I pulled him around to face me and brushed my hand through his hair. We both hesitated…our lips so close…they touched…a teasing brush of the tongue…I pulled away…he pulled me back…intense…mutual…soft and warm…a little nibble on the lip…his taste…his scent…perfection.

“Took you long enough,” he said as we parted.

“Don’t go. Stay here,” I pleaded.

“You know I can’t…”

“Yeah…” And with that we walked to the door. We kissed again. I wanted to be sure that I would remember that taste, that feeling until the next time. There would be a next time.

So there. Good or bad. Right or wrong. We kissed…and I loved it. It was bound to happen. We had both flirted with the idea for the entire summer. Affection – perhaps the best word for our new relationship. I had no idea what was going on in my head. I didn’t’ care. The worst part? There wasn’t anyone I could tell. Not even my closest friends…

Evan had no plans to come home until Christmas. I got ready for work. I walked into my office with my head still spinning. I was thrown the keys to a company van I headed off on my 3.5 hours journey to the airport. Of course, I was on the phone with Evan the entire time…we talked…no regrets.

So Close...

My evening rendezvous with Evan continued. We drove to all the usual “make-out” locations, but nothing ever happened. One evening, near the local community college baseball field, we parked. Sitting on the tail gate of my truck I told him about my dad, my feelings about being gay, and ultimately my attraction towards him.

“The first time is always the hardest,” he said looking toward the horizon. I must have given him a strange look, because he looked at me and continued with, “Kissing…the first kiss is always the hardest.”

“I can’t kiss you,” I said. “I want to, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”

I didn't have an answer. And with that, we sat in silence for a few more minutes before I took him back to his car. Nothing happened. We parted and I watched him drive away.

A few more summer nights of the same routine, and still we hadn’t kissed. It was me. I was the one not kissing him. I wanted to. Oh God how I wanted to. But in doing so I was terrified at what I would be admitting to myself….

On Evan’s last night at home before leaving for an out of state college, we traveled to a near by recreation area and lake. We found a bench swing near the shore and became intertwined. I held him, our hands together. I felt every breath. Heaven. We didn’t talk much. For the first time my hands slipped under his shirt. The feeling…ecstasy. My attraction for Evan was unavoidable. I could no longer deny my own feelings. Just as I was working the courage to kiss him, we were interrupted. (The park was well past closed, and we both feared being ’caught.’) A false alarm….

On the drive back home I told Evan that I could not be in a relationship with him. First off, he was leaving to go start a new chapter in his life. Second, Evan was 6 years my junior. Excuses, I know. There seemed to be a mutual understanding. When we reached his car I didn’t want him to leave. I wished Evan the best of luck and safe travels before he left me.

He couldn’t have been a block away before I was following him home. I called him and told him to pull over. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to loose him. The only thing I wanted was to hold him in my arms for as long as I could. On the side of the road not far from his rural home I did just that. I held Evan closer than I ever had before. My fingers tangled his blond hair. I gazed into his blue eyes. Frightened and terrified, I told him that my affection for him was scaring me to death. Evan placed his hand on my chest…I was certain that my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

“Can I see you tomorrow,” I asked, “maybe on your way out of town?” I waited for the answer.

“I’ll try. I’ll call you in the morning.” He waited. I knew what he was waiting for… Evan embraced me and drove into the darkness.

My drive back into town sucked. I was crying too hard to see the road. I pulled over twice and sobbed. Never had I felt so complete while at the same time feeling so conflicted. Everything that I had experienced with Evan pushed me into a new level of understanding. So there. What the hell was I supposed to do? There I was: a nice, wholesome, Christian boy from the mid-west…..and I was in love…with a boy.

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I don’t want to make it sound like Ravi and I spent hours upon hours with each other everyday. It was very much the opposite. But every second of time I spent with him was a second spent in ecstasy. He and I had two very different circles of friends. For starters, Christian hated Ravi with a passion. This, of course, fueled me to spend as much time with Ravi as I could.

One Saturday morning I was laying in my bed…avoiding getting up. Christian was across the room doing the same. There was a knock on the door. My bed was on the door side of the room, so I reached up and opened it. Ravi stood, leaning against the door frame looking gorgeous. Through my half-awake squinting eyes his coffee colored skin gleamed in the light streaming through the hallway window.

“Let’s go into town. I’ll meet you outside in 20.” And with that he leaned down and kissed me. Paying no attention to Christian, now sitting up on his bed, Ravi walked out.

Saying nothing to Christian, not even looking at Christian, I walked across the hall to take a quick shower. I dressed in silence. As I was walking out of the door Christian said under his breath, but intended for my ear,

“Have fun with your boyfriend, faggot.”

Shocked…I paused briefly…and walked outside to meet Rav.

Our trip into town took us to the usual places. First stop, the coffee shop across from the park.

Ravi sipped his coffee and asked, “Josh, what is bothering you. You aren’t acting yourself?”

“Christian. He is just being a jerk.”

“I have a feeling he doesn’t like me very much.”

“Yeah…well…you’re right. But I don’t like him myself right now.”

That is all that was said about Christian. We finished out the morning by going to Target, and the grocery store. Since I was driving, and I wanted to prolong my company as long as I could, I decided to take the long way back to campus. I avoided the interstate and took a very scenic road through the foothills.

Ravi reached to adjust the radio. His hand lingered. Instead of returning to his side of the car, Ravi reached over and placed his hand on my leg. Of course, I stopped breathing. He didn’t stop. He was removing my belt, and sliding his hand under my jeans.

Neither of us spoke. I continued to drive. He withdrew.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Just felt right.”

I pulled into the parking lot half way between his house and mine. We made plans to go to a dance that evening with some friends. (Give me some credit; this was a sanctioned USA Dance ballroom event. Ravi was an extremely gifted dancer, and I wasn’t about to miss it.)

We never spoke about what happened. It was like the event on the drive back to school never happened. But we both knew it did. I was discovering a trend with Ravi. Every moment of physical interaction between the two of us was always initiated by him. Always. I wasn’t complaining.