Sunday, March 29, 2009

Et tu, Ravi?

I have always been a flirt. A huge flirt. On rare occasion my flirting gets me into trouble. This was the case one afternoon after my voice lesson. As I left the studio I noticed that Cali, a first year student, was taking a nap on the couch while waiting for her lesson to begin. Cali and I were friends, but we didn’t really spend much time together outside of the music department. I sat down next to her and started to play with her long blonde hair. She awakened with a smile. I mentioned something about going back to my room to take a nap, and before I knew it she was following me. I didn’t remember anything about a “group nap,” but I wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea either.

Ravi had a girlfriend (and me on the side), so why couldn’t I have a girlfriend. Cali was obviously interested, so after a few outings and social events we became the newest couple on campus. This particular coupling came as a surprise to many of my friends. Cali was, quite literally, not the kind of girl I would take home. She was a bit of a hussy. This didn’t bother me too much as I honestly had no intention of an emotional investment. The problem, however, was that I was not interested in a physical investment either.

We started doing things together with Ravi and his girlfriend of the week. Later that semester, Cali pledged the sorority that was attached to my fraternity. Convenient. This allowed us to spend a large amount of time together.
Even though we each had a significant other, Ravi and I would still occasionally get together. Just the two of us. Sometimes it was a movie, but more often it was just time spent together in one of our rooms just doing nothing.

Cali and I had planned to spend an evening “in town.” I couldn’t get a hold of her. I tried calling her room, but there was no answer. (This predated the prolific use of cell phones) As I was walking out to my car I noticed Cali pull into the parking lot. Ravi was with her and got out of the car before she pulled into the space. He walked directly towards me with his head down. Embracing me in a tight embrace he said, “You need to go spend time with your girlfriend.” As he let me go and turned toward his house, I noticed that his eyes were glassy with tears.

Perplexed, I got in Cali’s car. She pulled out of the lot and onto the interstate without saying a word. We had been dating for almost three months at this point. I never knew her to be this silent for this long. Finally she broke her silence and said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”
She never told me what she did, but I knew. I asked her to take me back to school. She dropped me off at my house, and as soon as she rounded the corner I walked straight across the grassy lot to Ravi’s.

Curled up on the end of his bed, Ravi didn’t even look up as I walked into his room. I sat and stared at him.

“Why are you here?” he whispered. “You need to be with Cal.”

“No. You need to tell me what the hell is going on.” I didn’t move. I waited.

Ravi moved closer and laid across my lap.
“I slept with her, Josh. I slept with your girlfriend.”
I didn’t say anything. I took his hand into mine.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Labels


I don’t want to make it sound like Ravi and I spent hours upon hours with each other everyday. It was very much the opposite. But every second of time I spent with him was a second spent in ecstasy. He and I had two very different circles of friends. For starters, Christian hated Ravi with a passion. This, of course, fueled me to spend as much time with Ravi as I could.


One Saturday morning I was laying in my bed…avoiding getting up. Christian was across the room doing the same. There was a knock on the door. My bed was on the door side of the room, so I reached up and opened it. Ravi stood, leaning against the door frame looking gorgeous. Through my half-awake squinting eyes his coffee colored skin gleamed in the light streaming through the hallway window.


“Let’s go into town. I’ll meet you outside in 20.” And with that he leaned down and kissed me. Paying no attention to Christian, now sitting up on his bed, Ravi walked out.


Saying nothing to Christian, not even looking at Christian, I walked across the hall to take a quick shower. I dressed in silence. As I was walking out of the door Christian said under his breath, but intended for my ear,

“Have fun with your boyfriend, faggot.”


Shocked…I paused briefly…and walked outside to meet Rav.


Our trip into town took us to the usual places. First stop, the coffee shop across from the park.


Ravi sipped his coffee and asked, “Josh, what is bothering you. You aren’t acting yourself?”

“Christian. He is just being a jerk.”

“I have a feeling he doesn’t like me very much.”

“Yeah…well…you’re right. But I don’t like him myself right now.”


That is all that was said about Christian. We finished out the morning by going to Target, and the grocery store. Since I was driving, and I wanted to prolong my company as long as I could, I decided to take the long way back to campus. I avoided the interstate and took a very scenic road through the foothills.


Ravi reached to adjust the radio. His hand lingered. Instead of returning to his side of the car, Ravi reached over and placed his hand on my leg. Of course, I stopped breathing. He didn’t stop. He was removing my belt, and sliding his hand under my jeans.


Neither of us spoke. I continued to drive. He withdrew.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Just felt right.”


I pulled into the parking lot half way between his house and mine. We made plans to go to a dance that evening with some friends. (Give me some credit; this was a sanctioned USA Dance ballroom event. Ravi was an extremely gifted dancer, and I wasn’t about to miss it.)


We never spoke about what happened. It was like the event on the drive back to school never happened. But we both knew it did. I was discovering a trend with Ravi. Every moment of physical interaction between the two of us was always initiated by him. Always. I wasn’t complaining.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Letter

I decided it was time for a weekend of self discovery. I needed to be alone. I couldn’t be alone on campus. Christian never went home (he lived 30 miles away), and Ravi couldn’t go home (lacked the proper documents to leave the country). So I packed a light pack and headed into the mountains for the weekend. Trevor, a close friend of both Ravi and me, was the only person to know where I was going. Still terrified of bears and mountain men, I decided it best to have one person know where to find the body.

My coastal upbringing and flatland dwelling allowed for the mountains to be a mystical and romantic location for isolation. I drove to the base of a mountain that I could see from campus. In fact, it was the view I saw every morning from my window. I parked, grabbed my pack, and started up the trail. From previous day hikes I was aware that there was a camping spot along this trail, but I have never stayed there.

The silence was wonderful. The mountain was void of other hikers. This was mostly due to the cold weather…but I wasn’t bothered too much by it. I had some pretty fantastic gear and the ability to build one heck of a Boy Scout inspired fire. The campsite was on the opposite side of the mountain from campus. I first built a fire, pitched my tent, and settled in for a Friday night alone.

I awoke to a surprisingly warm morning. The sun was out and so was I. I grabbed a breakfast bar and some water and headed off to the summit. Granted, this was not difficult climbing, but it was not the most well defined footpath at times. I reached the summit in about an hour. I leaned against a large rock and overlooked the valley below. I started asking myself questions:

• Why am I attracted to other men?
• Is gay ok?
• Why am I getting conflicting answers from the church?


It was easy to blame my dad…or rather, the lack of my dad. I had not had a father figure in my life at all. My parents divorced when I was 5. Because of his sexuality [the court] decided it best that I have limited and strictly observed visitation. That didn’t last long. I didn’t blame him for his lack of contact. Who would want to spend time with their son while being supervised by the court?

I wasn’t buying the story of homosexuality being hereditary. Just because my dad was gay didn’t mean that I had to be. So, why then was I attracted to men? I didn’t want to be attracted to men. I came to the conclusion that I was trying replacing the void left by my father. After a long time on the top of this mountain, I came to the conclusion that I was trying to replace his lack of love with the love of another. But the bond between a father and a son was not possible to replace. It was lost forever. However, it was possible to replace that fatherly love with romantic love. I wanted to be held, and I wanted to hold. I wanted to be needed as much as I felt the need of others. I didn’t want to be gay, but I could not explain my relationship with Ravi any other way.

So, in the spirit of catharsis, I wrote my dad a letter. Of course, I never sent it to him. I wouldn’t even know where to send it. As I descended to my campsite I composed this letter. I wrote it in my journal, and cried the entire time.


Dear [father],

I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.

Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am [twenty-something] years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me? Why were you not there?

You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The [l o v e] of a father.

The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. You are gay. Again, I never considered this an issue. But it is. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.

I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.

This is just the beginning,
Your [son]

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Thoughts Battle Words Over Deeds

I attended the Methodist church on campus mostly because I had to sing in the choir. Given the choice, I would have attended the Episcopal Church in the next town over. The campus church was in the charge of a husband and wife duo. One was the pastor of the church, and the other was the college chaplain. One week the pastor of the church announced that the LGBT group would start to meet in the church basement on Tuesday evenings.


Even while I was sitting next to Ravi during the service, at times holding his hand, I did not agree with the church supporting such a group on campus. I couldn’t be gay. The church had told me that. I was always told how wrong it was.


I got brave and made an appointment to speak with the chaplain. Oddly I was more comfortable talking about this with a man than his wife the pastor. I came armed with the standard anit-gay verses. He completely understood my apprehension. The chaplain was also ready with verses supporting homosexuality, and its place in the church. After a 30-minute conversation I left more confused than ever.


I was confused at the fact that I was indeed attracted to men. I was involved in a closer than average relationship with Ravi. My past and my present were at great odds. “Thoughts battle words over deeds.”


While I was certain that Christian was an unhappy closeted guy, and that he would be much happier with himself if he came out, I was unwilling to make the same admission about myself.


Stressed from my incredibly introspective afternoon, I went for a run. Half way along my normal route I passed Ravi and another cross-country teammate. (I did not run cross country. I just enjoyed the self-punishment.) Just seeing him required me to stop running. I lost all energy. I took a turn on the next road and plopped down against a fence post. I had no idea what was happening between the two of us. I kept telling myself that I couldn’t be gay.


Of all the time we spent together, of all the nights we spent together…nothing sexual every happened. At least it hadn’t yet…

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Exposed

As the semester continued, my questioning of Christian’s sexuality increased. As I was denying my own sexuality, I was trying to out Christian. While I could not have asked for a better roommate, I had my issues with Christian. He insisted that we constantly do things together because we were roommates. If I went to WalMart he wanted to go with me. He wanted to share a cart. It drove me nuts. The last thing I wanted was for someone at WalMart to think we were dating.


While I was critical of him not coming out, I wasn’t about to come out myself. I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be. Right?


One snowy fall semester evening I walked two houses down to Ravi’s house. He shared a room with two other friends, and fraternity brothers of mine. Ravi did not pledge a Greek organization. The campus tended to clear out on the weekends. Most students lived close enough to go home for the weekend. That was the case for his roommates. We took the opportunity to take a walk through the snow and ventured up to the local cemetery. This was a favored talking spot for the two of us. The cemetery was on a hill that overlooked our neighborhood and the entire campus beyond. Simply beautiful. As we walked up the hill neither of us spoke. I reached over and took his hand…he moved closer to me. We reached the top of the hill and sat down in the middle of the road. Ravi sat in front of me, and I wrapped my arms around his chest.


“So, what are we?” I asked.

“Soul mates. Brothers,” he whispered.


Ravi started telling me about his family. This was something he had never done before. The more he talked, the more I understood him. He spoke of his less than perfect relationship with his father. He stopped talking. I pulled him closer to me and saw the most beautiful thing ever. A tear. Ravi was always the strong, confident type that never let anything get to him. To see him this exposed was overwhelming.


“Rav, I don’t know what to do with you…”

“I love you, Josh. Don’t ever leave me.”

“I’m always right here,” feeling his pounding heart.


Ravi had a girlfriend. I almost had a girlfriend. But I was pretty sure that I was falling for him….hard. We walked down the hill and returned to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed and removed my shoes.


“Thanks for staying,” he said as he changed.

“Come here,” I said. He slid into my arms.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Right?

Through a series of emails and a few phone calls, things were patched up with Christian over the summer. I spent the summer before my junior year doing the normal kid-home-from-college stuff. I worked the same two summer jobs that I had been working since high school, and I spend time with my friends from high school.

We have since started referring to ourselves as “The group.” Most of us attended different colleges, but we always maintained a close relationship. This before facebook! As the summer neared an end, it was obvious that we were all ready to return to college, to our friends, and to campus life!

Being a member of the college choir, I had to report to campus a few days before the majority of returning students in order to participate in formal college functions that required the presence of the choir. My parents and I generally took two days to drive out there…taking our time and spending time in some favorite locations along the way.

I pulled in front of our house and saw Christian’s car sitting in the lot across the street. It was the only other car there. The rest of the guys in the house wouldn’t be there for a few days. A few neighbors were back, but not too many people at all. I had never seen the room we were going to live in. I had lived next door the previous year in a similar house and just assumed the rooms would be nearly alike.

I walked in the room and found Christian’s “half” of the room to be already set-up. He didn’t leave me much room to work with. Are you ready for the creepy part? There were pictures of the two of us ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! I was not pleased. I had pledged into the same fraternity as Christian the year before. Most of the pictures were of Fraternity functions . . . but they had been doctored. He wasn’t that good at photo-shopping his head on to other people.

Shaking my head, I left the room and headed to the music department for rehearsal. As I entered the building I ran into Ravi. We embraced. We slid into a practice room where he placed his hands on my face and kissed me…lightly. This wasn’t a romantic kiss. This was a kiss that expressed how much he missed me over the summer…and I him. Right?

“What was that?” I asked.
“I’ve missed you,” he replied.

And with that, we walked into the rehearsal room. My head was spinning. A guy just kissed me! An extremely attractive guy just kissed me! Rehearsal ended and we all started making plans for the evening. Christian finally talked to me and asked if the room was ok. I lied, and said it looked great. As Christian started telling me of the plans that he had for us that night, Ravi walked behind me and took my hand as he passed. Of course, I knew that was a signal. Flustered for words, I told Christian that I would be staying with my parents that night at the B&B. Not completely a lie, I had dinner with my parents before returning to campus to stay with Ravi that night.

I entered his room to find him unpacking some books and whatnot. He turned, pinned me against the door, and bound me in the tightest, most passionate hug I had ever experienced. The night was late, and we had both traveled far that day…so we went straight to his bed. We laid there watching a movie. I got up to change into something more comfortable. I turned around to find Ravi in noting but a pair of shorts. With nothing but the glow of a muted television to light the way, we returned to bed. He put his arms around me, our legs tangled. His lean dancer’s build shivered for a few minutes under the cold sheets…I held him closer.

The only thing going through my head was, “I’m not gay. Right?”

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Roommates

After I returned from Christmas break I found that I had been assigned a new roommate. My straighter-than-straight roommate had been replaced by the introverted straight-and-over-sexed slightly smelly guy named Matt. Mat was nice enough. His girl friend was nice enough. I just wish more soap had been involved in their group showers. Matt and I were never really friends…and that was just fine with both of us.


I was developing a nice group of friends, mostly all associated with the music department. I met Christian while on a trip to a performance of Carmen at a neighboring college. We had some similar interests and seemed to get along well together. He was a Bio major, but also participated in the college choir. As the semester progressed so did our friendship, but I was noticing some disturbing tendencies. Christian was becoming slightly obsessed. Everything that I did, he did. If he noticed that I was wearing a grey shirt at breakfast, he would change into one by lunch. He wanted to know who cut my hair, what kind of styling products I used, and started to plan our social events for the weekend. He would get pissed if he walked into a room and I hadn’t saved a seat for him…right next to me. While the thought of Christian’s sexuality had never crossed my mind (mostly because I was not attracted to him at all), I was starting to realize that he was developing a crush on me. To make things even worse, I had already made the commitment to be his roommate the next fall.


That spring, while on the 9 day choir tour Christian developed an attitude of deep detestation towards any person I ‘showed favor’ towards…especially Ravi. I was actively avoiding any one-on-one time with Christian and I always surrounded myself with people that I knew would deter him from approaching me.


Things went downhill fast with Christian. He was acting, for lack of a better term, like a middle school girl. One afternoon towards the end of the school year I went to his room to talk things out. After talking through the door for a while, he finally let me in the room. He had been crying and listening to his ‘sad’ music all day. Again – middle school girl. We talked, but no real progress was accomplished. I told him he had until I left for home to set things straight. I still wanted to be his friend, I still wanted to be his roommate, but I was no where near understanding the depth of his obsessions…