I attended the Methodist church on campus mostly because I had to sing in the choir. Given the choice, I would have attended the Episcopal Church in the next town over. The campus church was in the charge of a husband and wife duo. One was the pastor of the church, and the other was the college chaplain. One week the pastor of the church announced that the LGBT group would start to meet in the church basement on Tuesday evenings.
Even while I was sitting next to Ravi during the service, at times holding his hand, I did not agree with the church supporting such a group on campus. I couldn’t be gay. The church had told me that. I was always told how wrong it was.
I got brave and made an appointment to speak with the chaplain. Oddly I was more comfortable talking about this with a man than his wife the pastor. I came armed with the standard anit-gay verses. He completely understood my apprehension. The chaplain was also ready with verses supporting homosexuality, and its place in the church. After a 30-minute conversation I left more confused than ever.
I was confused at the fact that I was indeed attracted to men. I was involved in a closer than average relationship with Ravi. My past and my present were at great odds. “Thoughts battle words over deeds.”
While I was certain that Christian was an unhappy closeted guy, and that he would be much happier with himself if he came out, I was unwilling to make the same admission about myself.
Stressed from my incredibly introspective afternoon, I went for a run. Half way along my normal route I passed Ravi and another cross-country teammate. (I did not run cross country. I just enjoyed the self-punishment.) Just seeing him required me to stop running. I lost all energy. I took a turn on the next road and plopped down against a fence post. I had no idea what was happening between the two of us. I kept telling myself that I couldn’t be gay.
Of all the time we spent together, of all the nights we spent together…nothing sexual every happened. At least it hadn’t yet…
Where is this Methodist church??
ReplyDeleteThat's amazing!
Not that I'm too familiar with Methodists, or their belief system, but yay for open-minded churches!
Keep up the writing..
I have a book with the info the chaplain had. It has saved me many a time in conversations about this topic and religion! Such a tough chasm to bridge!
ReplyDelete