The Letter

I decided it was time for a weekend of self discovery. I needed to be alone. I couldn’t be alone on campus. Christian never went home (he lived 30 miles away), and Ravi couldn’t go home (lacked the proper documents to leave the country). So I packed a light pack and headed into the mountains for the weekend. Trevor, a close friend of both Ravi and me, was the only person to know where I was going. Still terrified of bears and mountain men, I decided it best to have one person know where to find the body.

My coastal upbringing and flatland dwelling allowed for the mountains to be a mystical and romantic location for isolation. I drove to the base of a mountain that I could see from campus. In fact, it was the view I saw every morning from my window. I parked, grabbed my pack, and started up the trail. From previous day hikes I was aware that there was a camping spot along this trail, but I have never stayed there.

The silence was wonderful. The mountain was void of other hikers. This was mostly due to the cold weather…but I wasn’t bothered too much by it. I had some pretty fantastic gear and the ability to build one heck of a Boy Scout inspired fire. The campsite was on the opposite side of the mountain from campus. I first built a fire, pitched my tent, and settled in for a Friday night alone.

I awoke to a surprisingly warm morning. The sun was out and so was I. I grabbed a breakfast bar and some water and headed off to the summit. Granted, this was not difficult climbing, but it was not the most well defined footpath at times. I reached the summit in about an hour. I leaned against a large rock and overlooked the valley below. I started asking myself questions:

• Why am I attracted to other men?
• Is gay ok?
• Why am I getting conflicting answers from the church?


It was easy to blame my dad…or rather, the lack of my dad. I had not had a father figure in my life at all. My parents divorced when I was 5. Because of his sexuality [the court] decided it best that I have limited and strictly observed visitation. That didn’t last long. I didn’t blame him for his lack of contact. Who would want to spend time with their son while being supervised by the court?

I wasn’t buying the story of homosexuality being hereditary. Just because my dad was gay didn’t mean that I had to be. So, why then was I attracted to men? I didn’t want to be attracted to men. I came to the conclusion that I was trying replacing the void left by my father. After a long time on the top of this mountain, I came to the conclusion that I was trying to replace his lack of love with the love of another. But the bond between a father and a son was not possible to replace. It was lost forever. However, it was possible to replace that fatherly love with romantic love. I wanted to be held, and I wanted to hold. I wanted to be needed as much as I felt the need of others. I didn’t want to be gay, but I could not explain my relationship with Ravi any other way.

So, in the spirit of catharsis, I wrote my dad a letter. Of course, I never sent it to him. I wouldn’t even know where to send it. As I descended to my campsite I composed this letter. I wrote it in my journal, and cried the entire time.


Dear [father],

I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.

Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am [twenty-something] years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me? Why were you not there?

You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The [l o v e] of a father.

The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. You are gay. Again, I never considered this an issue. But it is. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.

I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.

This is just the beginning,
Your [son]