My life turned into something normal, routine, and boring. Aside from my job, I didn’t really do too much. I had an amazing group of friends that I would socialize with, but I always felt like I was hiding. We would go out on the weekends, and I would always be on guard. Did the hot foreign exchange student notice me staring? Was I overcompensating? Did they know? It was all too much…
My conversations with Evan had been diluted to the occasional text message. But believe me…I was always excited to get one. Christmas break was approaching and he would be coming home. This would be Evan’s first trip home since Labor Day. Of course, I was excited to see him. Well…he came home, but I didn’t see him much. He wasn’t returning messages, nor was he sending me any texts. Finally I was able to talk with him. Evan explained that he was busy, tired, and really wasn’t sure when he would have time to come over. He was blowing me off. I guess I understood…
Meanwhile, I had been spending more time with Mitch. It was nothing like my relationship with Evan. Mitch and I were friends…just friends. He and I both participated in the local art community and had several mutual friends through church and school. I was starting to notice another similarity between us. Through our conversations it became clear that both Mitch and I were seeking male companionship. We both expressed our lifelong desire to have a brother. We both shared feelings about our [missing] fathers.
One afternoon Mitch informed me that he was leaving. In less than a month he was planning on moving and taking part in a church-based education program about 8 hours away. Initially I was crushed. But the more he explained the program the more I understood that Mitch needed to go. Our time together was different than with other friends. It is hard for me to describe my friendship with Mitch. We never planned to spend time together, but always seemed to enjoy running into each other around town. I would go out of my way at his place of work just to see him, and he would linger at a local coffee shop waiting for me to walk by on my way to work. It was nice.
The day before he left he called me and wanted to meet for lunch. It was a pretty normal lunch for the two of us. But he was nervous. I just assumed that he was anxious about leaving. As we were walking out of the restaurant he said he had something to tell me, but he wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. I just looked at him...waiting…but he shook it off and changed the subject. My mind was racing! What was he not saying? Was he about to tell me that he was gay? Was he attracted to me? To another guy? I had not told him anything about Evan. It was killing me not knowing, but I didn’t press him for information at all.
I pulled into his driveway, but he didn’t get out of the truck. Since this was the eve of his journey I asked if I could pray with/for him. I did.
“That means more than you know,” he said as I walked him to the door. With that, Mitch hugged me. He had never done that before. This was an incredible hug. His arms were wrapped completely around me in the tightest lock I had ever been in before. With a tear in his eye Mitch walked through the door.
It was only while Mitch was gone that I learned more about him…
Showing posts with label chuch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chuch. Show all posts
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Mitch
My weekly schedule involved some volunteer time at the elementary school. Over the course of a semester I met Mitch. Mitch also volunteered at the elementary school. I knew who he was, but I had never really talked with him. The first time I saw Mitch I asked the guy standing next to me, “Who is he, and what is bothering him?”
Their response was, “That’s just Mitch.”
Unsatisfied, I was determined to get to know this guy. Mitch and Evan were friends, so I though I would use that as my way in. During our volunteer time I decided to introduce myself. Noticing that he was a very gifted artist, I complimented some of his work that was hanging in a local show. Instant friends. We started to plan our time at the elementary school so we would both be there at the same time. Our mentees would play together while Mitch and I would talk.
Every since my relationship with Evan, I had become more comfortable with my attraction to guys. Mitch was extremely attractive to me. He was exceptionally pale, almost too thin, had the most beautiful brown hair that fell in loose curls, amazingly beautiful teeth (shown in a smile that was absolutely melting), and doe eyes that seemed to always be on the verge of tears.
Mitch was mysterious. I had no idea what his orientation was. I wasn’t about to make a move on him, but he was too intriguing to not pursue. It was obvious to me that Mitch was a very passionate Christian. In fact, I even sponsored him to go on a weekend retreat put on by my church. Mitch presented a very difficult problem to me. How could I remain strong in my faith, and follow my heart at the same time. This is just the beginning of my journey…
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Letter
I decided it was time for a weekend of self discovery. I needed to be alone. I couldn’t be alone on campus. Christian never went home (he lived 30 miles away), and Ravi couldn’t go home (lacked the proper documents to leave the country). So I packed a light pack and headed into the mountains for the weekend. Trevor, a close friend of both Ravi and me, was the only person to know where I was going. Still terrified of bears and mountain men, I decided it best to have one person know where to find the body.
My coastal upbringing and flatland dwelling allowed for the mountains to be a mystical and romantic location for isolation. I drove to the base of a mountain that I could see from campus. In fact, it was the view I saw every morning from my window. I parked, grabbed my pack, and started up the trail. From previous day hikes I was aware that there was a camping spot along this trail, but I have never stayed there.
The silence was wonderful. The mountain was void of other hikers. This was mostly due to the cold weather…but I wasn’t bothered too much by it. I had some pretty fantastic gear and the ability to build one heck of a Boy Scout inspired fire. The campsite was on the opposite side of the mountain from campus. I first built a fire, pitched my tent, and settled in for a Friday night alone.
I awoke to a surprisingly warm morning. The sun was out and so was I. I grabbed a breakfast bar and some water and headed off to the summit. Granted, this was not difficult climbing, but it was not the most well defined footpath at times. I reached the summit in about an hour. I leaned against a large rock and overlooked the valley below. I started asking myself questions:
• Why am I attracted to other men?
• Is gay ok?
• Why am I getting conflicting answers from the church?
It was easy to blame my dad…or rather, the lack of my dad. I had not had a father figure in my life at all. My parents divorced when I was 5. Because of his sexuality [the court] decided it best that I have limited and strictly observed visitation. That didn’t last long. I didn’t blame him for his lack of contact. Who would want to spend time with their son while being supervised by the court?
I wasn’t buying the story of homosexuality being hereditary. Just because my dad was gay didn’t mean that I had to be. So, why then was I attracted to men? I didn’t want to be attracted to men. I came to the conclusion that I was trying replacing the void left by my father. After a long time on the top of this mountain, I came to the conclusion that I was trying to replace his lack of love with the love of another. But the bond between a father and a son was not possible to replace. It was lost forever. However, it was possible to replace that fatherly love with romantic love. I wanted to be held, and I wanted to hold. I wanted to be needed as much as I felt the need of others. I didn’t want to be gay, but I could not explain my relationship with Ravi any other way.
So, in the spirit of catharsis, I wrote my dad a letter. Of course, I never sent it to him. I wouldn’t even know where to send it. As I descended to my campsite I composed this letter. I wrote it in my journal, and cried the entire time.
Dear [father],
I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.
Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am [twenty-something] years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me? Why were you not there?
You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The [l o v e] of a father.
The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. You are gay. Again, I never considered this an issue. But it is. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.
I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.
This is just the beginning,
Your [son]
My coastal upbringing and flatland dwelling allowed for the mountains to be a mystical and romantic location for isolation. I drove to the base of a mountain that I could see from campus. In fact, it was the view I saw every morning from my window. I parked, grabbed my pack, and started up the trail. From previous day hikes I was aware that there was a camping spot along this trail, but I have never stayed there.
The silence was wonderful. The mountain was void of other hikers. This was mostly due to the cold weather…but I wasn’t bothered too much by it. I had some pretty fantastic gear and the ability to build one heck of a Boy Scout inspired fire. The campsite was on the opposite side of the mountain from campus. I first built a fire, pitched my tent, and settled in for a Friday night alone.
I awoke to a surprisingly warm morning. The sun was out and so was I. I grabbed a breakfast bar and some water and headed off to the summit. Granted, this was not difficult climbing, but it was not the most well defined footpath at times. I reached the summit in about an hour. I leaned against a large rock and overlooked the valley below. I started asking myself questions:
• Why am I attracted to other men?
• Is gay ok?
• Why am I getting conflicting answers from the church?
It was easy to blame my dad…or rather, the lack of my dad. I had not had a father figure in my life at all. My parents divorced when I was 5. Because of his sexuality [the court] decided it best that I have limited and strictly observed visitation. That didn’t last long. I didn’t blame him for his lack of contact. Who would want to spend time with their son while being supervised by the court?
I wasn’t buying the story of homosexuality being hereditary. Just because my dad was gay didn’t mean that I had to be. So, why then was I attracted to men? I didn’t want to be attracted to men. I came to the conclusion that I was trying replacing the void left by my father. After a long time on the top of this mountain, I came to the conclusion that I was trying to replace his lack of love with the love of another. But the bond between a father and a son was not possible to replace. It was lost forever. However, it was possible to replace that fatherly love with romantic love. I wanted to be held, and I wanted to hold. I wanted to be needed as much as I felt the need of others. I didn’t want to be gay, but I could not explain my relationship with Ravi any other way.
So, in the spirit of catharsis, I wrote my dad a letter. Of course, I never sent it to him. I wouldn’t even know where to send it. As I descended to my campsite I composed this letter. I wrote it in my journal, and cried the entire time.
Dear [father],
I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.
Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am [twenty-something] years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me? Why were you not there?
You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The [l o v e] of a father.
The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. You are gay. Again, I never considered this an issue. But it is. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.
I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.
This is just the beginning,
Your [son]
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