Exposed

As the semester continued, my questioning of Christian’s sexuality increased. As I was denying my own sexuality, I was trying to out Christian. While I could not have asked for a better roommate, I had my issues with Christian. He insisted that we constantly do things together because we were roommates. If I went to WalMart he wanted to go with me. He wanted to share a cart. It drove me nuts. The last thing I wanted was for someone at WalMart to think we were dating.

While I was critical of him not coming out, I wasn’t about to come out myself. I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be. Right?

One snowy fall semester evening I walked two houses down to Ravi’s house. He shared a room with two other friends, and fraternity brothers of mine. Ravi did not pledge a Greek organization. The campus tended to clear out on the weekends. Most students lived close enough to go home for the weekend. That was the case for his roommates. We took the opportunity to take a walk through the snow and ventured up to the local cemetery. This was a favored talking spot for the two of us. The cemetery was on a hill that overlooked our neighborhood and the entire campus beyond. Simply beautiful. As we walked up the hill neither of us spoke. I reached over and took his hand…he moved closer to me. We reached the top of the hill and sat down in the middle of the road. Ravi sat in front of me, and I wrapped my arms around his chest.

“So, what are we?” I asked.

“Soul mates. Brothers,” he whispered.

Ravi started telling me about his family. This was something he had never done before. The more he talked, the more I understood him. He spoke of his less than perfect relationship with his father. He stopped talking. I pulled him closer to me and saw the most beautiful thing ever. A tear. Ravi was always the strong, confident type that never let anything get to him. To see him this exposed was overwhelming.

“Rav, I don’t know what to do with you…”

“I love you, Josh. Don’t ever leave me.”

“I’m always right here,” feeling his pounding heart.

Ravi had a girlfriend. I almost had a girlfriend. But I was pretty sure that I was falling for him….hard. We walked down the hill and returned to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed and removed my shoes.

“Thanks for staying,” he said as he changed.

“Come here,” I said. He slid into my arms.