Role of a Lifetime

September turned to October and Evan was back at school. Our phone calls gradually tapered off to only once or twice a week. Then…they stopped completely. I know, I could have called him…but I didn’t. I felt like I was intruding on Evan’s life. Who was I to think that he needed me as much as I needed him? After all, I’m the one who pushed him away; I’m the one who told him I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

My fall continued. One evening I was on my way back from a rehearsal when I received a call from a friend/colleague. Carol was a musician with the same orchestra I was singing with. I didn’t realize that she had been behind me for most of the drive home. She suggested that we meet at a local bar where some of our friends had already gathered.

After a few drinks everyone was ready to leave...but I wasn’t. Carol seemed interested in another round as well. The bar was empty. It was just me and Carol and the two gals behind the counter. She didn’t waste any time. Carol just straight up asked me if I was involved with Evan. (She also knew him) I couldn’t lie. Carol and I were pretty good friends. If I could tell anyone, I knew it was her. In fact, just the week before I practically begged her to ask me. While she wasn’t exactly shocked, she was stunned that I admitted to it.

The conversation turned towards homosexuality in general. Is it a choice? If so, why make that choice? I just started talking, and she listened. Carol allowed me to share my life story and she didn’t judge me. It was really an amazing moment of self analyzing. I came to the conclusion that I was looking for something and Evan had what I needed. But I didn’t know what that was. (So really, not much was accomplished) I kissed him, and it felt right. I held him, and I was in heaven. I questioned what we were, and felt closer to God. I know that I have always sought male companionship in my life. Mostly I have always wanted a brother…an older brother.

I thought it was just a one time thing…Evan. Surely I wouldn’t fall for another guy. Just as soon as I was starting to put Evan behind me…just as soon as I was ready to not be gay anymore…



(Enter Mitch…fade to black)

My Bromance

Everything was going just great! I was progressing nicely through my second degree, I had a job that paid me to go to church twice a week, and I was becoming more active in community activities that I had dearly missed while I was away at [university].

The only time I every questioned my sexuality was when I saw Britton. (Four days a week) Krista, Britton, and I had formed an oddly tight friendship. Even one of our professors commented that it would be a kinky (yet hot) threesome. (This particular professor was more like a mentor than any sort of educational figure. That being said, he was the best thing to ever happen to me in a classroom) The three of us did everything together. Well….mostly. I tended to not stay too late after class as I had things to do at home. That was my excuse anyway. I was purposely avoiding any excess time with Britton.

That became an issue. Britton thought that I was brushing him off, not wanting to spend time with him, and trying to avoid him. That could not have been farther from the truth. Krista also noticed. She was closer to the truth than she realized. Krista would tell me that I would make a very good gay guy based on my fashion sense, appreciation for the arts, and my ability to pair wine while dining on a budget. She even loved to comment on my relationship with Britton as the cutest bromance she had ever seen.

The summer after I graduated I took four weeks off before starting at my full time job. During those four weeks my life changed. I met someone….

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I don’t want to make it sound like Ravi and I spent hours upon hours with each other everyday. It was very much the opposite. But every second of time I spent with him was a second spent in ecstasy. He and I had two very different circles of friends. For starters, Christian hated Ravi with a passion. This, of course, fueled me to spend as much time with Ravi as I could.

One Saturday morning I was laying in my bed…avoiding getting up. Christian was across the room doing the same. There was a knock on the door. My bed was on the door side of the room, so I reached up and opened it. Ravi stood, leaning against the door frame looking gorgeous. Through my half-awake squinting eyes his coffee colored skin gleamed in the light streaming through the hallway window.

“Let’s go into town. I’ll meet you outside in 20.” And with that he leaned down and kissed me. Paying no attention to Christian, now sitting up on his bed, Ravi walked out.

Saying nothing to Christian, not even looking at Christian, I walked across the hall to take a quick shower. I dressed in silence. As I was walking out of the door Christian said under his breath, but intended for my ear,

“Have fun with your boyfriend, faggot.”

Shocked…I paused briefly…and walked outside to meet Rav.

Our trip into town took us to the usual places. First stop, the coffee shop across from the park.

Ravi sipped his coffee and asked, “Josh, what is bothering you. You aren’t acting yourself?”

“Christian. He is just being a jerk.”

“I have a feeling he doesn’t like me very much.”

“Yeah…well…you’re right. But I don’t like him myself right now.”

That is all that was said about Christian. We finished out the morning by going to Target, and the grocery store. Since I was driving, and I wanted to prolong my company as long as I could, I decided to take the long way back to campus. I avoided the interstate and took a very scenic road through the foothills.

Ravi reached to adjust the radio. His hand lingered. Instead of returning to his side of the car, Ravi reached over and placed his hand on my leg. Of course, I stopped breathing. He didn’t stop. He was removing my belt, and sliding his hand under my jeans.

Neither of us spoke. I continued to drive. He withdrew.

“What was that?” I asked.

“Just felt right.”

I pulled into the parking lot half way between his house and mine. We made plans to go to a dance that evening with some friends. (Give me some credit; this was a sanctioned USA Dance ballroom event. Ravi was an extremely gifted dancer, and I wasn’t about to miss it.)

We never spoke about what happened. It was like the event on the drive back to school never happened. But we both knew it did. I was discovering a trend with Ravi. Every moment of physical interaction between the two of us was always initiated by him. Always. I wasn’t complaining.

The Roommates

After I returned from Christmas break I found that I had been assigned a new roommate. My straighter-than-straight roommate had been replaced by the introverted straight-and-over-sexed slightly smelly guy named Matt. Mat was nice enough. His girl friend was nice enough. I just wish more soap had been involved in their group showers. Matt and I were never really friends…and that was just fine with both of us.

I was developing a nice group of friends, mostly all associated with the music department. I met Christian while on a trip to a performance of Carmen at a neighboring college. We had some similar interests and seemed to get along well together. He was a Bio major, but also participated in the college choir. As the semester progressed so did our friendship, but I was noticing some disturbing tendencies. Christian was becoming slightly obsessed. Everything that I did, he did. If he noticed that I was wearing a grey shirt at breakfast, he would change into one by lunch. He wanted to know who cut my hair, what kind of styling products I used, and started to plan our social events for the weekend. He would get pissed if he walked into a room and I hadn’t saved a seat for him…right next to me. While the thought of Christian’s sexuality had never crossed my mind (mostly because I was not attracted to him at all), I was starting to realize that he was developing a crush on me. To make things even worse, I had already made the commitment to be his roommate the next fall.

That spring, while on the 9 day choir tour Christian developed an attitude of deep detestation towards any person I ‘showed favor’ towards…especially Ravi. I was actively avoiding any one-on-one time with Christian and I always surrounded myself with people that I knew would deter him from approaching me.

Things went downhill fast with Christian. He was acting, for lack of a better term, like a middle school girl. One afternoon towards the end of the school year I went to his room to talk things out. After talking through the door for a while, he finally let me in the room. He had been crying and listening to his ‘sad’ music all day. Again – middle school girl. We talked, but no real progress was accomplished. I told him he had until I left for home to set things straight. I still wanted to be his friend, I still wanted to be his roommate, but I was no where near understanding the depth of his obsessions…