The Art of Disguise

I left [university] and Ravi behind. It was a period of my life that opened doors and asked questions. Questions that scared the hell out of me, and I adored every minute of it. After an unsuccessful job interview in Washington D.C., I returned to the mid-west for the summer. For a variety of reasons, I did not attend graduate school in music or history. Instead, I decided to attend a near-by university to pursue a second undergraduate degree in a science related field.

It was a new school. A new city. A new student body. But the same Josh. I have always fancied myself as a wonderful judge of character. I walked into my classroom to find 25 students that I would spend everyday with for the next two academic years. At first glance I didn’t find anyone that I believed to be “friend-able.” It took me two weeks to hone in and find two individuals that I identified as potential friends. Britton and Krista.

I couldn’t have asked for two better friends. They both lived in the same city as [university] while I was a commuter student driving 45 minutes to school each day. (However, due to a cross of time zones the return trip actually took negative twenty minutes during daylight savings time) At the end of the school day Britton and Krista would often ask me over to one of their apartments for dinner, or a movie. For the most part, I would decline as I needed to return home and at least attempt to put in time at my part-time job.

Krista was a beautiful girl two years my junior. She hailed from upstate and didn’t know anyone in town. While she had a boyfriend who attended another university, she would shamelessly flirt with me. I would flirt in return. Remember, flirting gets Joshy in trouble.

Britton was the same age as I was. He was tall, athletic, and drove a truck. (One of my weaknesses) Britton was truly the “guy’s guy,” and I quickly realized that I was becoming incredibly attracted to him. I recall one day, early in the first semester, when we played a few games of tennis between classes. He pulled off his shirt and my heart nearly stopped at the sight of him in a square-cut wife beater. We walked back to class, depositing our tennis racquets at our cars, and took our seats for the rest of the afternoon. Due to our wonderful fall mid-western heat, Britton remained in his beater. My eyes kept wandering to his arms and across his chest. He had to know. He had to know that I was sitting right next to him checking him out. I was shameless. Fortunately, Krista was sitting on Britton’s other side doing the same thing.

Now, I have never considered myself as flamboyant. I try to come across as straight as possible. This may be one reason why I seem to over-flirt in social situations. But over the course of that first semester, our main professor seemed to identify me as “the gay one.” His comments were always in good fun, and never intended in a negative manner. This professor, Scott, has since become a great friend and mentor within my professional field. But at the time, his comments only continued to reinforce the hidden thoughts that I might actually be gay.

For two years, I never allowed Krista’s flirtations to develop. For two years, I longed for my friendship with Britton to develop into something more. For two years, I never told anyone about my previous relationships. For two years, I never felt like myself.

Parting Words

My last semester at [university] was a complete blur of activity. If finishing classes wasn’t enough, I had the GRE to worry about, grad schools to audition for, and a recital to pull off. Despite a few bumps here and there, I finished my undergraduate education feeling confident about my future.

But on the personal side of things, I had issues. Ravi decided to back off. He actually told me that things would be easier if we had never been friends. At least that is what I could understand through the tears. He had mentioned to me once that “people always leave.” It was true. I was leaving. My post-graduation plans did not include anything in that region. (There was one job interview that was close . . . but it was a long shot)

I refused to dissociate myself with Ravi. While we were spending less time together, our feelings towards each other had not changed. I knew that he had changed my life, and would forever be apart of me.

Christian went home before graduation as he was not graduating that year. I took advantage of the rare opportunity and invited Ravi and Cameron over for a movie. Cam cooked. Ravi picked the movie. And I made sure no one had an empty wine glass. (What? Just three average college guys.) The three of us had a fantastic final weekend together. We all ended up on the couch. I was in the middle. As I covertly reached for Rav’s hand, I felt the warm touch of Cam’s hand on my shoulder. He leaned over and whispered some parting words and walked out with a smile. As Rav received my hand, I turned to watch Cam leave, sending a wink our way as he closed the door.

My night with Rav was comparatively uneventful. Nothing happened. We didn’t need anything to happen the night before I left. In the morning, I awoke only to see him staring at me.

“You’re a beautiful sleeper,” he said pulling me closer.

“I’m not leaving you.” I stared back at him.

“You have to go. Its ok. Josh, I still don’t get us. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean…are we….I don’t know….its just that…”

“…Rav. I love you too.”

He smiled and pulled me into our last kiss.

That afternoon I walked across the stage and left [university] behind. I was well prepared to enter the workforce, or grad school. (I had not yet committed to a school) As I through the chapel parking lot with my family, I saw Ravi walking by the duck pond. He smiled and waved.

“Was that Ravi?” my mom asked. “Why didn’t he come and say good-bye?”

With a smile on my face I looked toward the duck pond and said, “He already did.”

Unity Through Diversity

In honor of the National Day of Silence, my blog is silent today.

The National Day of Silence brings attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Click here to learn more…

But in my silence, I'm sharing my new found admiration for Jamie Campbell Bower.

When in Rome

The trip to Italy was fantastic. I missed Ravi everyday. During our first night there, the tsunami of 2004 hit Indonesia. When saw the news I immediately thought of Ravi. His parents and brother had traveled home to Indonesia for Christmas. I grabbed Cameron and through the use of an Italian phrase book we were able to figure out how to access the lobby computer. I logged in to AIM and we relieved to see that Ravi was on-line. Bad news: he had not been able to contact his parents. Our hearts chilled, Cam started to cry. (He was a crier. Only adding to his charm) Ravi promised to keep us posted, and we checked in as often as we could. It wasn’t until the next day that he heard the good news that his family was safe.

In each town, I shared a room with the assistant director and the director’s son, Mark. Mark was a few years younger than I was. Incredibly hot. A few times during the trip I had to say, “Stop it. Get off of me. You’re 17.”

I stuck pretty close to Cam during the trip. We were both missing our best friend. I brought Cam up to speed on my relationship with Ravi. He was shocked. He had no idea what had been going on between the two of us. Christian was also on the trip. Since I was in charge of room assignments (student director’s privilege), I made sure that Christian was no where near me. In fact, I roomed him with people that I knew he didn’t get along with very well. (pay back is a bitch)

So, I was becoming more accepting of my feeling for Ravi. Gay still wasn’t something that I could say. I “thought it was wrong.” Despite my thoughts, I still managed to fall asleep with Cam for about an hour on a lazy afternoon in Florence. We never talked about it.

The Night that Changed Everything

My senior year at [university] was a very exciting year. The choir’s normal spring break tour was being replaced by a trip to Italy during Christmas break. During the fall semester we took several mini-tours over weekends to help raise money for our trip.

My favorite part of choir tours was staying at host family’s homes. Most of the time a family would take one or two choir members. But this one time…a family took six of us. Their house was amazing. I walked in behind Ravi. Christian was also grouped with us along with Gavin, Cameron, and the director’s son Mark. There were five bedrooms for the six of us. The host mother said that two of us would need to share a bed in the guest house. Ravi grabbed my arm and followed her to our quarters.

Christian was pissed. He stormed off in the other direction following the others. Cameron looked back too. Cam was gorgeous. I had a bit of a crush on him, and I think he knew. He had long curly locks of hair the brushed in front of the lightest blue eyes I have ever seen. He had a body that would make Adonis jealous. He often flaunted it while running around our neighborhood. Anyway, Cam looked back and gave me a little wink as Rav and I walked towards the guest house.

The guest quarters was a small house in the back yard….the main house wasn’t even in sight. The host mother told us that she would drop the others off first and come back to pick us up. As was the case at the end of most tour days, we were exhausted and it was late.

Without a doubt, that was the best night of my life. It didn’t take long at all before Ravi was on top of me engaging in the hottest make-out session ever. He never kissed me like that before, and never did again. Rav slid next to me and proceeded to remove my remaining articles of clothing. That night, in that bed, his hands played me. There were moments that I was rendered speechless. Breathing being our only communication. Shoulders, arms, legs, chest…nothing was left untouched. It still replays in my mind. I long for the feelings that I had that night. Likewise, I explored his body in ways that I never had. His small frame was surrounded by well defined muscles covered by smooth dark skin. I miss the way it felt. We both respected each other. Nothing too scandalous was done. However, it was obvious that we both wanted it, but we always stopped short. (so to speak)

That night, I believe I experienced the culmination of our cumulative feelings toward each other. That was the first night that I considered I was gay, and felt ok with it. I awoke in the morning to find Ravi in my arms with my hands interlaced with his. Both of us experiencing the normal gentleman's morning issue. ;)

Breakfast came too soon. The six of us gathered in the kitchen. Christian was of course acting in his normal passive aggressive manner. (Middle School Girl) Gavin was starting to figure things out, and Cam was beside himself with excitement. Cam was always supportive of my friendship with Ravi when no one else liked him.

So that was it. That best night of my life…

Out of Avalon

Needless to say, I broke things off with Cali. I never got mad at Ravi for sleeping with my girlfriend. I couldn’t get mad. I never loved her. I was never close to anything close to loving her. Although I was never certain of his motives in sleeping with her, I was certain of hers. Cali was pissed that I, the untouchable Joshua Daniels, would not sleep with her. All Cali wanted was a notch in her bed post with my name next to it.

The strength of my relationship with Ravi allowed me to overcome any feelings of hatred and distain towards him. Some of my friends viewed this as a profound weakness, while others were only more solidified in my alternative lifestyle. A core group of my friends understood my point of view. Of these friends, Gavin, likened my situation with that of the legendary King Arthur and his situation with Lancelot and Guinevere. Thus the “Knights of [university]” was formed. These gentlemen are still my best friends today, four years post undergrad.

I just finished reading the book “Mississippi Sissy.” In it, author Kevin Sessums states that most crushes held by young gay men are not on those they wish to screw, but rather on those they wish they could become. That is what I have been experiencing since middle school. That is what I continued to experience in college. Ravi was the exception. For the first time in my romantic ventures I had fallen for a guy. We talked about it often. Neither one of us were ‘gay,’ but neither one of us could explain what we were.

For the most part, Ravi and I started to spend less and less time with each other. This only magnified the moments that we did spend together. Christian continued his hatred towards everything Ravi, and I enjoyed in taunting him.

Everything was going just fine. I was enjoying being single again. I was well on my way to a successful senior year. I just booked a winter trip to Italy. Yes, everything was going great. That is, until this one time…on choir tour…